summer baby

Yesterday we went to our 3rd prenatal appointment. I've passed the halfway point, I think. Give or take a week. Which meant our first ultrasound!

So ultrasounds since Guthrie have really gotten quite a bit more intense at the University. Like 30 minutes intense. With Laithe up until the last month our dr did his own ultrasounds and he knew what he wanted to see, he knew which boxes he wanted checked. With an ultrasound tech they have to check all the boxes, all the time. Which all of that is to say that while I expected the cramping and soreness last night I was still a little grumpy about it.

But also it was 30 minutes we could spend looking at our baby. Assuming we knew what we were looking at - she was pretty good about pointing out things - kidneys! toes! aortic blah blah blah!

Everything looks perfect and "within the realm of normal" and I released, partially, the breath that I've been holding for the past few months.

There are a few things different about this baby. Well, not this baby, it's just a baby. I'm different this time around though. Stepping into middle age with all of our peers has really opened our eyes to all that can go wrong when you do that thing where you put your heart wholly into someone else and grow it from nothing into a person who will then go out into the world. All those people I wrote about a year and a half ago are still friends and loved ones and we've had the privilege to bear witness to their journeys. Though I would hesitate to say they're all doing well, I would suggest that they're all doing more than surviving many days. And that is a wonderful thing. A baby born on hospice 2 years later is thriving, a sweet chubby cheeked rainbow baby has celebrated his first birthday, a 'no evidence of disease' diagnosis came when just a matter of months ago that disease was everywhere.  We are so thankful.

And I don't mean to be morbid or to suggest that there is no joy or excitement here. There is so much excitement and so many giggles as my children yell at my stomach as though I were harboring a really hard of hearing senior citizen. For whom English is not a first language. It's just that there's a depth that these past few years have caused us to cultivate. Maybe more of an understanding that this is the human experience. All of this. The good and the bad and the terrible and the beautiful.

So, yes, I let out part of the breath I had been holding. Knowing I had been holding it and being fine with that. I am no Buddhist when it comes to my kids!

***


We scheduled appointments up through my 32nd week and it seems so far away, but these past months have gone so quickly I know it will fly by.

We are choosing to have this baby at a hospital an hour away. It's complicated, but it seems to be the best choice for our family. Because of the conservative nature of the physician-ruled birth community here there are no options for a mom with 2 prior c-sections other than a repeat scheduled c-section. Even if said mom arrived at the hospital in labor. An hour away we have a couple limited options.

A home birth is not an option for us at this point. There needs to be physician management of my blood pressure medication. And we/I am not willing to change our lifestyle in order to pay for a home birth. Our two choices would be either I go back to work to pay for it or we go into debt for a few thousand dollars. We have phenomenal insurance. Like phenomenal enough that depending on when the baby is born we may not have to pay anything other than our insurance premiums. Which is one reason it is worth it to us to have to pay for gas for the drive. If I go back to work we change our homeschooling lifestyle and I would not have that for our two present children who benefit greatly from it. Even if they do whine and moan about school! haha! And I'm not willing to put our family into that much debt right now. So I am at peace with our decision.

The discussion with the dr. yesterday gave us some parameters that we both felt ok about. I also was able to set some parameters that the dr. was ok with. It was a discussion I left feeling as though I had not at all been bullied or talked down to. That my voice had been heard and my requests taken seriously.  To say it was really great would be a total understatement.

We also commiserated, both being in our 3rd pregnancies, that this time around is so much harder. Like SO MUCH HARDER. I don't know what it is, but I struggle with feeling guilty that I'm not enjoying this as much as I did the other two.

So, here's to warmer weather, clearer sinuses (antibiotic 2 totally ineffective), a wiggly baby, less exhaustion, moments of peace and stillness, and a bit of enjoyment for my current season. I'm not greedy - it doesn't have to be the best thing ever, but it'd be nice to not dislike where I'm at!

And in case you didn't see it --- here is a picture of sweet, upside down baby #3. We cannot wait for you to get here!

hiatus

It would seem I took an unplanned break from blogging! I needed it I think. Negotiable things in my life are few and far between right now, so I try really hard to keep this as one of those - - if it gets to be a chore I need and take a break.

Things are humming along, or dragging along depending on the day, or hour.

February.

She's a tough one isn't she? I'm gearing myself up for March to be similar. Spring doesn't usually come here until April when we're all so grateful for something green it's embarrassing. The lengthening days are so appreciated though. Even if it's not particularly or remotely warm.

We were studying the arctic a few weeks ago and in describing the tundra I told the kids- half jokingly - to go look at our back yard. Frozen mud. I'm looking forward to spring like I haven't in a long time. I'm just so cold. All. The. Time.

You know those days when it just seems altogether too much effort to have to put on your boots to take out the trash even though you really need to? Yeah. Several of those. And I know it isn't just the weather. We've got some good friends who are struggling right now and it weighs heavily you know? And just some private stuff I know you'll understand my keeping it private.

Yesterday was good though. We had someone come to the door midday and I was actually wearing a bra! Success! Only because the past two times the roofer has come to the door, also midday, he's been treated to awkwardly placed folded arms.

And it's not like when you were in your 20s and it could be somewhat thrown off as daring. No, mid-30s having breastfed two kids, wearing yoga pants is not going to convince anyone I was anything other than tired. And maybe lazy.

Yes, I said roofer. We're finally getting a new roof! We've put it off for almost 2 years and after a somewhat unwelcome nudge from our homeowner's insurance we're getting it done. Six of the next seven days have snow in the forecast, but there's a dumpster in the front and a crane brought all the supplies (highlight of the school day), so I think they'll take advantage of any good weather they can get. Just because I know someone will ask, I picked Estate Grey for the color of the shingles. I think it'll look nice and clean and go nicely with the whitish gray siding. And it will be a vast improvement over the crap brown we have now.

Also we have this gigantic antenna on our roof. Cannot wait till that shit comes down. I don't know who was trying to contact the aliens, but it wasn't us.

Thanks largely to some very generous family members we aren't having to finance any of it. Which is a huge weight off my shoulders. Doing taxes and a few other official things I keep having to check the box that says "unemployed" and if feels weird.

I actually checked a box that said homemaker once and that felt more comfortable because I could convince myself it was romantically vintage. But every time I check one of those boxes that snarky voice in the back of my head reminds me that I'm not earning a wage.  Not my favorite, although I wouldn't trade what I'm doing right now for much of anything - even if it's not been the best few weeks.

There are a few things to look forward to in the next month, aside from a new roof (hopefully!). Our new couch and ottoman (that we ordered 2 months ago) should arrive in the next couple weeks taking our living room from college-ikea to grown up. Strangely they're both the same color as the shingles. I do like to be well coordinated.

Laithe is turning 3 in ten days. It will be fun to celebrate the little life that has brought so much vitality to our family!

And then, before we know it it will be spring and we'll spend more than 15 minutes outside at a time and I can go barefoot around the house! And everything will smell like dirt. And that will be lovely.

But, before we can get there we'll get through this next snowstorm, or series of snowstorms, and I'm sure it will make us extra grateful.

winter! and my discontent

We welcomed winter in with a blizzard, well, technically we said goodbye to fall with a blizzard, but either way there is snow on the ground for the beginning of winter.

All is right in my world! (vast overstatement, but still, more right)

The kids and I waited out the storm with movies and hot chocolate. A goofy Christmas movie that even made me tear up at the end - all the kids were adopted! santa got to go home to the north pole! there were puppies! And then more movies - one with talking animals. I really really dislike talking animal movies. They are so creepy. Laithe celebrated his first blizzard (in memory) by throwing up for the first time - and then several times after. Projectile every time. And, eventually very proud to mostly hit the bucket. But, it just lasted for the morning and soon he was clamoring for hot chocolate so, whatever, I guess.


I do like a good blizzard. Not so much the wind, which, I get is a necessary part of blizzard making, but I did not like that they've started naming winter storms like they name hurricanes. I don't like it at all. Winter Storm Draco is not nearly as exciting as 'snowpocalypse' or something similar.

 I don't know how much it ended up snowing here- it was hard to measure with all the blowing and drifting. Some parts of our backyard were almost bare and some had eight inches! Every year I feel like I forget how beautiful the snow is to watch. This year it was so fun to watch Laithe just stare at the flakes fall - and then get stirred up and blown sideways. I let Guthrie go out for about 2 minutes before I worried about her getting hit with a branch - she was thrilled.

Last night for Solstice we had our little celebration planned and it did not goes as planned - at least for me. That's something they don't tell you about parenting. That you can plan some cool stuff and work really hard to make the experience special, but there's a high chance that dinner will be cold, that your child for whom socks have been an issue for SIX (enter your expletive of choice here) years will throw a fit that I lack words to describe, that your other child with start screaming after 3 minutes outside because of snow in his mitten, so that even though it took 20 minutes to get ready to go outside he will scream until he is back inside, that there won't be enough mulled wine, and someone will be pissed there aren't any marzipan freaking mushrooms on the yule cake. Match that with the past 2 weeks of mama staying up too late working on presents, and a lingering sinus something, and well, John suggested there may have been some hormones at play (you can guess how that conversation went) and I had more than a few "not my finest parenting moments".  Keep your Draco, we make our own snowpocalypse here folks! Laithe and I sat at the candlelit table and I cried into my not-full-enough mug of warm wine because John and Guthrie got to be outside at the bonfire and I really wanted to be with them. I couldn't bring myself to plead with Laithe to get dressed again so I could join them. I was really disappointed and I kept it poorly contained.

I tried really hard to get it together, but I pretty much failed and went to bed earlier than I have in a week.

On one hand it was an exercise in expectations and maybe a good preparation for me for Christmas, but, like Thanksgiving, Solstice has come to be one of my favorite holidays because it is more intentional. A time of thankfulness and an opportunity to throw the baggage you're carrying around into the fire so you don't have to carry it into next year with you.

Cozy pajamas were still unwrapped, hot cocoa was slurped, there were giggles and cake, and apologies were made to my children for my unkind words but, like my children, after I throw a fit it takes awhile for me to find my balance again.

So, today was a late and easy breakfast, a clean bathroom (things always seem more manageable if I know that one room at least is clean), a hot shower, a few errands just Laithe and I. I asked him what he wanted to listen to in the car and he said Jingle Bell Rock so I complied and he surprised me with knowing all the words- joyfully sung at the top of his lungs. He was asleep for the last stop and I was thankful for still packing around the not-often used sling. It's been awhile since I've grocery shopped with a child on my chest. It was welcome this afternoon.

The plan is for everything to be done and wrapped by tomorrow evening so we can just enjoy Christmas Eve day- which to my knowledge has not been done since I've been a parent!  I've so enjoyed and needed this break from school and the usual to prepare for and celebrate this holiday season. Its been such a treat to decide what I will do each day. I will also enjoy going back to school on the 2nd with a renewed spirit and excitement. And hopefully some planning time between now and then!

I hope to post in the next few days, but more than likely we'll talk after the holiday. I hope this Christmas finds you cozy and full of joy!

vacation prep, or not.

I had this little post all planned out for today about how organized I am for our vacation here in a couple days. How my shit was completely together and tucked neatly in a compression sac all ready to camp. All these cute little crafts and busy bags for the kids for the next 2 weeks. I even had a Pinterest Board dedicated to it. Well, my shit? It is not together. Not one bit. It's strewn about and I'm two seconds away from curling up in a little ball in the corner with a blanket and sleeping for a solid 15 hours.

Guthrie's iffyish on the mend. A trip to the ER on Wednesday due to abdominal pain and she was so lethargic and dry heaving for a good 4 hours a day, conservatively. Zofran and a popsicle along with her first opportunity to pee in a cup and we headed home. Man that Zofran really perked her up. I think she'd been at the tail end of whatever she had, but just was not able to shake it. Yesterday was spent resting and not puking so a definite improvement but then last night a weird rash appeared on her feet.

Back to the Dr. today for steroids and a possible diagnosis of HSP, or maybe not. It definitely sounds kind of frightening, but our Dr. armed us with what complications to watch out for while we're on our trip and wished us well. If it is HSP then we've got a few more weeks of symptoms, although I'd count the last week as one big symptom. Vacation might be a little lower key than we expected. She's scheduled to have her physical the week we get back from our trip and I'll request a follow up UA just to make sure her little kidneys are a-ok. In the meantime, it's good we're going someplace where she'll need to wear socks and long pants because her feet are creepy! That's probably not so nice to say about your daughter is it?

My thought this afternoon was that I don't think I've been this exhausted since I had a newborn. I was unprepared for the lack of sleep, emotional stress combo that having a sick kid caused. I have a new and profound respect for parents with ill children. I know part of it is that this week I was also gearing up for this big trip, but I can't blame that entirely. And I can't count how many times I was thankful for not working.

At our nightly dinner time Thankfuls both John and I were thankful to hear Guthrie's little voice chatter on about something entirely inconsequential. I don't think we heard her talk for a solid 5 or 6 days. We missed her.

So, instead of starting to pack tonight we're watching The Princess Bride and eating popsicles.

It can all wait. I don't think we'll be getting too much sleep tonight given the steroids, but we've got a day and a half to pack up our stuff and get everything done. It'll get there.

Hopefully the next time you hear from me it will be from the mountains!

the friday after thursday risotto

This week. Meh. It was one of those. When I can say TGIF and mean it you know it's been a long one. The rest of my family is asleep this morning - after a really restless night of us all in one bed - snot abounds - and it's late and I'm just going to let them snore for awhile longer while I dump out my brain and hope.

Last night I just kind of hit my limit. Poor Guthrie. Sweet girl who has all of a sudden grown up by leaps and bounds and maturity(!) had an evening like I have not seen in awhile and after running through my 'settle down and breathe mama or you're going to lose it' mantra approximately 80 times I apparently chose to return her favor of emotionally vomiting all over me. Except it didn't feel like a choice. I was distinctly out of control and I've kind of been all week. Only this morning I feel crappy about it whereas all week? Not so much. Which is why I feel like I hit my peak; self-reflection doesn't often happen in the midst of it all.

And we won't even talk about Laithe. Dude is in that toddler realm, that special time between 18 and 24 months when every day you don't contemplate selling him to the zoo 100 times is a good day. Hoo boy.

This parenting shit is hard. If I could parent in a vacuum it would still be hard.

I decided - after G and I freaked out at each other - to make risotto. It's such a comfort food for our little family. This time I made it with bacon and pumpkin. It was stellar I have to say. The way I make it is the one ladle at a time method, I know there are other ways out there, but this one is the most therapeutic for me. I love that after a day that has lost all it's comforting rhythms I can find my rhythm again in stirring and adding and stirring and adding.

I also find that risotto is a yardstick. No other dish I make requires my presence as constantly and so my household needs to be a certain amount of able-to-fend-for-themselves. There was no risotto when Guthrie was a toddler, there was no risotto during that newborn blur, none when Laithe was learning to walk and could take the baby gate down on his own to climb the stairs. You can see why I sometimes use it as a test to see what season this family is in - at least for the week.

And so, everyone kept themselves mostly busy and I was able to take my 22 minutes and use it to find my center again.

Which is not to say I wasn't cranky and raw for the rest of the evening, because I was, and bedtime in particular was a challenge. But, we still all piled in Guthrie's room and read our chapter of Boxcar Children and everyone eventually fell asleep.

Until like 1:30, but whatever. It was not a shock for Guthrie to climb into our bed crying after such an emotional evening. I can always choose to be thankful for the predictability if nothing else, right?

This morning I got up as the sun was rising I watched it as I made coffee. And enjoyed the hoar frost- which is not something we get here this time of year. In fact it may not be a hoar frost, but it sure looked like it. I was grateful for the quiet and my ability to block out the billion things I feel like I have to do today and realize that really all I need to do is be present to my life today and mindful of my limits.

Happy Friday- I hope you have a beautiful one.

input and output

no. this is not a post about poo.

i promise.

Summer is always an intense time when you have small kids. I have no idea who coined the phrase 'lazy days of summer', but they must have been referring to that point when you flop yourself on the back porch with a cold beverage out of sheer exhaustion. They must not have had young kids. Or a garden. Or much of anything going on.

This is the time of year, and the time of mothering - the age of one and a bit is proving to be just as taxing as I remember it! - that I depend more heavily on what I read, what I look at, who I talk to, to nourish me emotionally and spiritually. There is so much creative energy involved in parenting - especially in the summer - that I find if I don't keep my "input well" full enough, my output gets cranky, tired, and usually sick. And that's no fun in the summer!

Here's what I've been filling up my soul with recently:

- Mindfulness for Beginners. It's a cd series about mindfulness and helps with beginning the practice of meditation. It has been on my ipod for months and I just marvel at how the timing is always right with this sort of thing. I listened to the first half - a series of talks about mindfulness - over a few days and every dang time I turned it on I got weepy. Total perfect timing.

- an e-class called Calm, Productive, Upbeat Days for Busy Moms by Lisa Byrne. I wasn't going to do this because sometimes these things are kind of blah blah blah make your to-do list and get more sleep blah blah blah. But then I figured I could just turn it off if it sucked -- but it didn't suck. In fact it's really good and I have already implemented some of her suggestions. It's free and you can sign up too! I think they'll be online until early August. One thing though is that she has you write out all the responsibilities you have on a piece of paper. I had a friend once who, right before her divorce calculated up how many loads of laundry she had done over the years and while probably enlightening, was pretty destructive I think to her well being. I'm trying to remember that my page is really full right now because my life is really full - and that it won't always be so. She's got some great ways of thinking about the full time of our lives. Just sign up for it - I don't want to give away all the great advice!

- John brought home a new series to us - The Parasol Protectorate. I'm still on the first one - he's waiting for payday so we can get #4. It is so well written, I'm just loving it.

- my new Elizabeth Zimmerman knitting book bought with a gift certificate from Auntie Teresa for my b-day! I find her writing just so restful. She reminds me of my mother's friend's mothers. Does that make sense? Along with a dose of Tasha Tudor. Yay!

- and then my blog reel of course. But that one's tricky. The second you get overwhelmed or envious or my-their-grass-is-SO-much-greener you must turn the computer off and go find your children because you've hit your input limit - time for some output!


what's been nourishing your spirit lately?

bbc

Guthrie and I were driving back from her annual school physical and the BBC was on in the background. We weren't talking and I thought she was falling asleep when she pipes up:

You know what that man said?

No, what?

He said a police killed someone.

. . . Oh really?

Yeah.

What do you think about that?

Not good.

Yeah, it doesn't sound good.

I mean, the police are the ones who put people in jail. If a police kills someone then who puts the police in jail?

I think we're all still trying to figure that one out Guthrie.

*****

i struggle with shielding my kids from, well, the world. how much is too much information? if we filter too much are we just setting them up for a sheltered existence? one where they're so sheltered they'll never make the choice to uhh, give a shit? if we don't protect well enough will she be the only preschooler in her class talking about police brutality?

*****

Last night Guthrie requested a 'girls only' walk. And so walk we did. For probably an hour or so. The fireflies were out, we picked black eyed susans, there was a breeze to keep many of the mosquitoes at bay, we welcomed a friend who just moved in down the street. It was downright magical. Guthrie danced about in her white dress and flip flops declaring that the fireflies must really love her because they would stay on her hands for an extra long time before flying away.

*****

it's probably as much about balance as anything else isn't it?

what restful looks like

The parental half of the family is recovering from bronchitis.

Z packs and steroids all around.

Funny thing is that with John you totally know he's sick. Guy cannot stop coughing and sounds like crap and (i mean this in a supportive, hope you get better, kind of way) looks like crap and says, I feel like crap.
Me? I was about 2 seconds away from quitting my job, could not stop screaming at my family, crying at the drop of a hat - burned dinner or ants in the dining room because it was just all too much. Coughing? Like every few hours. Finally when I had some lengthy chest pain I made an appointment. And she was all, well for sure bronchitis, but maybe something more, those are some good crackles you have going on. Gotta start paying attention when I get suddenly unhappy.

So, we're taking it easy this weekend.

We cleaned the house yesterday - it's already a shambles again, but there's a lot less dirt. I did some sewing, puttered around the yard. We made a stab at the attic - sorting baby clothes and the like. Movie watching. Knitting - the gusset in my hand warmers is giving me fits --- why are there holes?? Doing laundry, and googling a new washer and dryer.

There is nothing wrong with our washer and dryer. They're just smaller. When I see Kelly Ripa on the TV bragging about her 50 outfits in one load I want to stab her. We have stackable front loaders which are really nice. And it was just about a month ago when it occurred to me that I could do not one load of laundry a day- but like 3 solely because of the cubic feet issue in the washer. I feel very 'rich white lady' whining about this. I mean, I have a washer and dryer - that should be enough. But the z - pack hasn't completely taken effect so, you know, woe is me.

And really, if I were in the place to be appliance shopping, which I'm not, I'd totally get a new dishwasher. I think ours is from the first generation of dishwashers. Ever.


Tonight we have more laundry (obviously.) and Guthrie needs to clean her room as Auntie Teresa is coming this week! And I'm not remotely ashamed to use that as leverage for her to get her rear in gear and pick up. And hopefully some mindless tv - although John won't let me watch 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' in front of Guthrie. Which I get, but still, it's SO awesome.


Also any tips for the biter? He's actually been grounded from nursing because he will bite after about 30 seconds. I fed a bottle of formula for the first time today- not his first, but my first, and it was weird. And then I let down. I think my body was rebelling. And then I tried nursing him again and he bit me so that was the end of that. It's so obnoxious -- and painful. If I may describe without offending you: nurse nurse nurse, clamp down with all 8 front teeth and pull away. And laugh. I didn't laugh. He laughed. Heartily. I don't know. I don't want to be weaning out of anger, you know? At the same time I feel like I've done everything I feel comfortable doing as a discipline.


Hope you are having a lovely weekend too!

self portrait

john got me an ipod touch for christmas. i completely love it. like it's the present i never knew i wanted.
he got it engraved on the back it has my full name and then says "please do not wash me"
for those of you who don't know, back in september i got this amazing phone that i researched etc etc and then within two weeks it got put through the laundry. it was not a good day at our house.

needless to say i have insurance both on the ipod and my crappy used purple blackberry that i mostly hate.

i let guthrie play on my ipod. i think this will probably not end well but as i said, it is insured and she has been, thus far, very good with it. she plays some mean Angry Birds and can find sesame street youtube videos. i don't know how she does that.

tonight i was uploading some of the photos i've taken on it- it has a pretty nice camera on it and some fun features - and putting them on the computer.

i discovered these little gems. see you can make it so that you're taking a picture of your reflection. like a mirror. when i found them i laughed so hard i woke her up in the other room.



there are about 40 of these.

she is going to be so pissed at me someday for this.

my least favorite

We're smack in the middle of what is probably my least favorite phase of pre-toddlerhood.
I like to call it:

Shit. I Hope That's a Cheerio.

Everything. Everything is going into Laithe's mouth these days.

It is exhausting. Not only is it exhausting to haul myself over to wherever he has holed himself up to enjoy whatever forbidden snack he's found and do the obligatory finger sweep - which invariably leads to a bite, which may or may not produce whatever he's shoved into his mouth, which, if not, means that 1. he could choke 2. he could be poisoning himself or 3. he could go into anaphylactic shock because he ate something he's allergic to - but we won't even know what it is because dude, have you tried to keep your carpet clean over the holiday season? I'm not even talking about tidy. I'm talking about vacuum and sweep every single day kind of clean and it's not good enough.

So, not only is that aspect of it exhausting, but the anxiety of what he is going to find is exhausting. Pennies! Rocks! Non-toxic though certainly not good for you cleaners! Hair ties! Stitch markers! Any number of small things that Guthrie has seen fit to hoard!

I appreciate that he's exploring his surroundings. I certainly appreciate that he can entertain himself for what seems like hours. I know this is a phase. I am tired of finding things in his poop that should definitely not be there. Like an entire issue of Sports Illustrated I kid you not.

Of course this has inspired certain lifestyle changes - what part of parenting doesn't?- such as vacuuming every day - every other at the very least, not using anything on our sidewalks to de-ice except a shovel and some pickling salt, buying organic expensive! cat food because man are those hard little round pellets tasty or what? And I try to be very calm about it, but it is really hard to stop the reel from playing in your head about what could have happened if you hadn't gotten that out his mouth. And that is going to remain nameless because of the parents and grandparents that read this. We don't need your reels going too.

And while I'm trying to remain grateful for the number of things that we've rescued his digestive system from, I am also trying to find the silver lining. Like, good thing we found out already there's no pesky nut allergy - walnuts or peanuts. Good to know. Or pine needles. Good thing those can be counted as roughage. Dirt clods. Old noodles. As previously stated, a couple of different kinds of cat food. Coffee grounds. Wax Christmas ornaments. Obviously paper. Oh the paper!

I should probably confess that I was the slightest bit uhh judgmental? snooty? about parents who let their kids chew holes in books. Yeah. Should have known that would come back around.
Today is Monday is missing half the spine. And man that is a lot of cardboard to chew through.

He is kind of taking this teething and chewing to a new level- at least for this household, although apparently he is just taking after his Grandpa Dave. We have this old rocking chair that was my Grandpa's then my dad's then mine, now Guthrie and Laithe's. I assumed that the finish had worn off the front of the rockers due to age. My grandparents tell me it was my dad during teething. So, I guess, Laithe is just trying to fill some family shoes? Not only is the finish gone, there are chunks, chunks!, missing.

I should just come out and say this -- Guthrie never did this. Never to this level. Ever. Once a she found a penny and crawled her way over to me with it in her hand and gave it to me like, "Look you slacker parent, you should watch out for things like this because I may be good about it, but down the line, someone else will not. Pay attention!"

I know it'll just be a few more months *hopefully* until he gets past this, or until us saying 'no' actually means something to him. Until then we're trying to rid the house of cardboard. There's nothing like finding your 10 month old laying on the floor gnawing on the edge of a shoebox. Shit. That is definitely not a Cheerio. Until then, pour me a glass of wine and join me in hoping this kid doesn't obstruct his own bowel! Wouldn't that be a party?

the end of 2010

via Aprille

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

parented two children. i maintain that the second baby was leaps and bounds easier than the first baby but learning how to balance both kids was/is a whole new thing.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i don't think i had any resolutions last year. i am going to make some for this year though. maybe continue working on that life list too.

3. did anyone close to you give birth?

uh, me. duh. and it feels like about 10 other friends. i've started to love watching first time moms, or even moms who want to parent differently this time around figure out how to negotiate motherhood and their new identities.

4. did anyone close to you die?

both of John's grandparents died and i guess because of my job i feel like a lot of people close to me died. hospice will do that to you.

5. what countries did you visit?

haha. haha. we went camping. in iowa. does that count? the travel bug is biting me again and i don't know what we'll do about that. i want to go to a foreign country! with my kids!

6. what would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

a little more sense of calm. a little more rhythm to my every day.

7. what date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

i feel like i should say March 2nd because that's the day Laithe was born, but really, March 1st was much more of an important day for me. etched is not the word. branded? that was the day i figured out that my biggest fear (or at least tangible biggest fear) was going to happen: scheduled/elective repeat c-section. i railed against the universe for a few hours. loudly. and then i allowed myself to experience some grace.

it was a big day. so was the next day.

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?

see #1.

9. what was your biggest failure?

see #1. only slightly kidding. Man, there just isn't anything like having small children. It will knock you on your ass.

10. did you suffer illness or injury?

abdominal surgery counts, right? that bout of the flu on Guthrie' birthday was pretty crappy though. health-wise this has been a pretty good year for me. i still would like someone to do something about my sinuses though.

11. what was the best thing you bought?
a new kitchen faucet. not even kidding. changed my life.

12. whose behavior merited celebration?

of course Guthrie and Laithe's!

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

that stupid prozac-taking cat. pee everywhere.
also still appalled and depressed about the state of Iowa's elections this year. I am so proud to live in this state, but that was not a proud moment.

14. where did most of your money go?

thanks to a change in legislation John and I were able to do IBR this year and dramatically change our take home income - so i'm happy to say most of our money went to our mortgage and not our student loans!

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?

being a family of four. it still makes me giddy!

16. what song(s) will always remind you of 2010?
Stars' 'The Night Starts Here'. Guthrie knows all the words and it's so cute to hear her sing to it. Also the first few tracks of whatever Kings of Convenience cd John has on his phone. It will forever remind me of the first few months of Laithe's life as he would always rock him to sleep with it on.

17. compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder?: very happy. i was very happy this time last year though too. my level of life satisfaction is higher than i ever thought it could be
ii. thinner or fatter?: thinner but less in shape. not a good combo
iii. richer or poorer?: about the same. but richer in my heart! ;)

18. what do you wish you’d done more of?
sitting still and watching. appreciating each moment for exactly what it is. listening instead of talking.

19. what do you wish you’d done less of?
laundry. worrying.

20. how did you spend Christmas?
with family. My immediate and some extended. and I didn't ever get out of my sweats.

22. did you fall in love in 2010?

every damn day.

23. what was your favorite TV program?

modern family.

24. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
i don't have enough energy to keep my house clean- how could i have the energy to hate somebody?

25. what was the best book you read?
i have no idea, but i read a lot thanks to my librarian husband constantly supplying me with good books. that's one of the nicest things he does for me.

26. what was your greatest musical discovery?

i really liked The Weepies this year.

29. what did you want and get?

baby giggles

30. what did you want and not get?

a home birth.

31. what was your favorite film of this year?

what? they still make movies? huh. i had no idea!

32. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

32. i spent the day with my family. i hearted it.

33. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

see #30. but i've no lack of gratefulness for what actually happened. i would still like to have that happen though- maybe 2012?

34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

covered in spit up and drool? occasionally urine and poop? most definitely banana and graham crackers.

35. what kept you sane?

my husband and kids- the very things that make me crazy. and a few well timed trips to Borders doesn't hurt.

36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

wow. i have no idea what to write here.

37. what political issue stirred you the most?

the mid-term elections here.

38. who did you miss?

i really missed my best friend Melissa. I got to see her shortly after having Laithe and it was wonderful but so very brief. add her to the list of what keeps me sane! i never thought we wouldn't be raising our kids together and going camping together and pawning our kids off on our husbands together so we can go out. but even though we're not doing those things I still feel so supported by her. I just wish it wasn't from 2000 miles away.

39. who was the best new person you met?

i met some incredible people through work this year. HIPAA won't let me share any of it!

40. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

that you can meet life head on and not only survive but find joy and gratefulness in it.

41. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

'let the wild rumpus start'
i realize that's not a song lyric per say, but there's been a lot of the soundtrack for Where the Wild Things Are in our house this year. this fits perfectly.

approaching some sort of edge

Things I've heard this week that I didn't want to:

• i peed on the floor! again!
• mom, i think laithe has something in his mouth
• grandma had a heart attack
• you'll need to be in the office for that. (ie: sorry about your midday break where you go and nurse your baby and touch base with your 3 year old)
• well, let's just treat it like it is MRSA
• i peed in my underwear today but it was ok, i feel ok about this.
• the cat peed on the carseat - again!

I could probably make that list substantially longer, but I really don't think it'd do me a whole lot of good. Seriously it's been a doosy of a week. Almost everything in the above list has turned out ok though. Heaving a huge sigh of relief for my Grandma who is going to be ok after her 2nd heart attack this weekend. I miss her so much and I hate that we are so far away.

We thought Guthrie had contracted MRSA and found out this morning that it is just a staph infection. The treatment is the same, but it means my house can lose that background smell of bleach. Blech. We'll be taking stock in Princess and the Frog band aids though as we're going through them like mad with 3x a day dressing changes.

I find this whole thing with Guthrie interesting. I've been feeling so distant from her these past few weeks. Laithe is demanding more active attention, we've been so busy with random stuff, we've had a pretty big shift in our family schedule. I feel like all those things have created a sort of blockade we have to go through to get to each other. Which means at the end of the night I bemoan that I haven't had any quality time with her and promise to do better tomorrow. Enter the infection demanding I spend oodles of one on one time with her. Taking care of her body like I haven't had to since she was an infant. Lots of extra cuddle time when the antibiotics she is on make her unable to fall asleep. We watched foodtv until midnight last night. We both learned about pork knuckles. And Guthrie learned to pronounce paella. It was sweet if not exhausting. Before going to the dr. this morning I treated us girls to a trip to Starbucks. Laithe had the courtesy to sleep through girls' morning out. I've missed her immensely.

Life gets insistent sometimes doesn't it? When our lifestyle isn't reflecting our values. It demands that we Pay Attention.

I'm trying to appreciate it this week. This loud and clear command that we slow down and treat ourselves and our loved ones carefully.

Lest we start taking ourselves too seriously: the vet put the cat on Prozac. He's apparently got a case of the Nerves.

If that's not white middle class suburbia I don't know what is.

Here's wishing a peaceful end to the week as it is only Wednesday. And if not, then here's wishing to a bottle of wine and some really good chocolate!

the state of things

- fall has hit our neighborhood. not just because the leaves are turning but because bright and early one saturday morning the holiday u-haul arrived across the street. what - you don't have a holiday u-haul in your neighborhood? for shame! it's what happens when your neighbor has so much holiday *stuff* that they have to rent a storage unit to store it all during the non-holiday months of March - September.

- Laithe has two teeth! two very sharp gnawing on anything teeth.

- Guthrie has been practicing writing her name at school and i get choked up every time i see it. so sweet.

- we're going to have a change in schedule soon for the working parents and while there are both positives and negatives it's all making me exceedingly crabby. you can ask my family how well i do with change.

- we've been spending these last warm evenings following a certain someone on a tricycle around the neighborhood. also very cool. also a little scary - the high schoolers can only drive before dark here and they drive fast right before dusk in our little neighborhood.

-speaking of driving around our neighborhood. a block from our house - less than that actually - there was a 3 car accident where one of the cars ended up driving up the fairly steep hill of a front yard and hitting the house. hard enough that there are cinder blocks laying on their basement floor from the foundation. the family has kids that are in the yard a lot. the accident was in the middle of the afternoon and everyone heaved a sigh of relief when no one was hurt.

- it's been a rough few days - maybe a week - in our home. match my crabbiness with Guthrie's, well, actually i have no idea what is going on with her, but i've been hit twice now in the face and screamed at countless times. i'm begging for patience. yesterday i had a lovely day off with her though and it did wonders for my soul - i'm assuming hers too. we're dealing with it in the ways we know how, but man. kids do a number on you don't they?

- this is one of those things that i feel like i should document just for posterity. Guthrie thinks John works here:
it's called The Lodge. it's a hotel. vaguely renaissance-y. lots of extended stay.
she calls out 'hi daddy' when we pass it - or points it out to him if he's in the car.
here's where he actually works:

which she knows. she's with me every day when we drop him off and pick him up. the entire staff knows her. not remotely renaissance-y. in fact it's supposed to resemble the pages of a book being opened. i know. took me a minute too.

she has thought this since we've moved here over 2 years ago. what the heck Gus?

discovery

Parenting Triumph Alert!

Guthrie discovered tonight at dinner that she actually does like peas, green beans and onions.

Which is good because I've been sneaking them into her food for years now.

Also - the green beans were from the garden! Along with 4 cherry tomatoes and 3 beets.

Everything is looking ok out there except for the weeds. We had 10 inches of rain in June and July is looking to beat that record, so ehh. weeds. shoulder high for that matter - only to be outdone by the chin height tomatoes.

annie dillard vs. the three year old

Going with the whole 'savoring the summer' theme bedtimes have been a little later as of late. It's hard when the fireflies don't come out until 9:00!
No matter what time she goes to bed Guthrie picks out two books that I read to her. Then we talk about tomorrow. Then we cuddle for a few minutes while I get some much needed quiet reading time in.
For the past several years - seriously several - I've made gallant attempts to make it through Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. I've read most of her other stuff and love it - she's one of the authors I turn to when my life feels not my own anymore - more on that later, but I cannot get more than 30 pages into Tinker Creek. It frustrates me to no end. So, as a goal I decide that my 32nd year of life will include finishing Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. And so a couple days after my birthday I pull it out and once again begin the journey.

There are two stark differences this time around. One - I somehow am able to concentrate on not just the flow of her words but what she's actually saying. And two - my three year old asks me to read it aloud to her.

We've always read long books to Guthrie. I think we got through the first Harry Potter book when she was around 18 months old. I absolutely expect that she be able to sit through a chapter or two. Of course she gets wiggly, of course she begins to play but we're always surprised when she can recount the plot to someone else or pipes up with some appropriately detailed question about the main character. However, up to this point we have always kind of stayed in the 'kids book' realm.

The first few nights she fell asleep as I read to her. I love the idea that the words are just kind of washing over her and exposing her to all kinds of language that doesn't often get used in our house. That even if she's not necessarily getting what is being said she's hearing the words.

Then one night as I think she's almost asleep I get to a passage on cicadas. Annie (we're on a first name basis now as I've tried to read this book so many times) describes how cicadas live underground for so long sucking sap out of tree roots.
All the sudden Guthrie's eyes pop open -- "We have cicadas. Why they live in the dark? Why are their eyes red? What are tree roots? Where are they?"

Uhhh. Yeah. Where do I begin on that one Gus? So we talk for awhile about tree roots and what it would be like to be underground and nocturnal animals and how cicadas are actually bugs though they're as loud (or louder, I swear) than birds. And I have no idea why they have red eyes. I promise her that if the cicadas come out during kickball the following night we'll go look for some so she can see one.

She settles back down into her pillow and I read on. Annie moves from cicadas to sharks. "Why do sharks die if they hold still? Gills like the goldfish at the library? Are they red like on the goldfish?"

I draw the line and say, "Guthrie, you need to go to sleep. We cannot talk about all of this tonight so I need you to hold those questions in your head until tomorrow and at breakfast we can talk about sharks."

There are a few more seemingly random comments for the next few paragraphs until she's finally so tired she can't talk anymore. And until I can barely keep my eyes open as it's past 10:30.

When I do get to bed I think about how maybe I could never finish this book because I was supposed to read it with Guthrie this year. I don't usually get all fate-y like that, but I can't help but think about how so much of Tinker Creek is a lesson in paying attention and how much that lesson is needed in my life right now. I'm so worried I'll miss something, but it's been an effort to move that worry from a place of anxiety to a place of action - where I'm actually paying more attention to the details of my life. I have high hopes for finishing the book as we're already on page 120. And I'm so curious to see where the book leads our nighttime discussions.

Sunday morning as we're making french toast guess what we're discussing. Sharks - which will die if they hold still.

anatomy of the roll over

and now i will attempt to roll over. please put me on my belly.

demonstrating the plank pose

almost there buddy!

. . . and we missed it.

good photography skills huh?

my north and south

I'm not saying that these two kids are polar opposites; both have been quick to smile, alert as all get out, cuddle monsters, etc. but I was once again struck by how truly different these two have been as infants.

This morning I took Laithe for a weight check (he's not maintaining his growth percentile. it remains to be seen if this is any kind of big deal at all) at the doctor's office. He was snug asleep in my sling - which is kind of where he always is - and I felt mildly guilty interrupting what I know is his prime nap time (sister is at preschool) to get him naked and onto a cold scale. I pulled him out of the sling, stripped him down while holding him and gave him to the nurse to put on the scale. She put him down and took a little time to weigh him and while he was clearly irritated about being naked and cold he didn't actually ever cry. He made angry faces and kind of yelled at the nurse, but that was it. Even when I had to lay him down to get him dressed again there were no tears. And on the way out he smiled at everyone who got within his line of sight. And at the end of it I wasn't even sweating.

I know several of you are all, yeah, so? what's the big deal? Sierra I know you're with me on this one.

Guthrie still won't get weighed without tears. Trying to get her height - or heaven forbid her temperature is - such a battle that half the time the nurse and I agree she's tall enough and clearly doesn't have a fever. So take an angry, tantrumy preschooler shrink her down to about 15 pounds and multiply her angst by about 10,000. And then try to weigh her. I hated taking her to the doctor. I still hate taking her to the doctor. It makes me sweaty.

The nurse knows all of us pretty well and I commented that if Laithe had been Guthrie she would have just been screaming through the whole event and for the rest of the afternoon and we still wouldn't have an accurate weight. She heartily agreed.

Is it just temperament? Is it that she was my first and he was my second? We're not actively raising them any differently.

I love Guthrie. Love her to absolute bits and I wouldn't trade any of her passion for anything in the world. I love that she so wholly is herself and I even love how sensitive she is, although I need to start watching my tone with her because I feel like I can just crush her soul with one firm word. Except I'm so over this dramatic tears about everything stage. So. Over. It. In general though I cannot wait to see how her sensitivity translates in adulthood. I'm certain she's bound for heartbreak and joy given how intensely she seems to feel everything. She is just so intense.

I also love that she is my firstborn. That I got to experience all that intensity and realize that some babies just can't be on a schedule, that some kids just scream because they need to scream and all you can do is hold them through it, that some kids tell you 40 times a day that they love you 'so much' because, well, I assume she just can't hold it in. That Guthrie somehow taught me to just relax and try to go with the flow- which is such a struggle for me. Somehow figuring out how to be a mother to her set me up to be a mother to him. Does that make sense?

But it's allowed me to enjoy this baby so much. To just appreciate every minute of this for what it is. To love that I don't even know how long Laithe sleeps at a stretch because I learned not to look at the clock in the middle of the night because, really, how helpful is it? Laithe just isn't as intense. He woke me up this morning by rooting around trying to find some food on my back. He was insistent, but I think it would have been awhile before he would have panicked. I think he's going to take some time to get to know. I think he might be a jolly baby in a few months. I also think he might be like his mom and content to sit and watch the world. No one can make him laugh like his sister and I cannot wait to see how their relationship is. I love him so much.

Them so much.

morning 1, darah 0

So, we can just start by stating the obvious. The thing that everyone who knows me knows about me - I'm not a morning person. I need a little time to myself in order to make my peace with the fact that it's a new day; that in a few short minutes it is likely that chaos will turn my brain into some kind of cranky. My ideal morning - the coffee pot is set the night before, I can go from warm bed to warm yoga pants. I can turn on NPR in the kitchen and maybe read a few pages of something, or just look out the window at how pretty our backyard always is in the morning while I drink said coffee.

Also, in this ideal I am pleasant to the people I live with - maybe even nice.

It's my fantasy, I can do what I want with it!

By anybody's standards our mornings are a challenge.
2 working parents (at least within the next couple of weeks)
1 preschooler - going to preschool 5 mornings a week
1 breastfeeding infant
1 car

I spend almost an hour -- an hour! -- in the car almost every morning getting people to where they need to be. And everywhere we go is within 5 miles of our house.

How to get four people happily out the door to a minimum of two and soon likely four different locations with one car on time confounds me. Ok the part that confounds me is how we can get all that done without the three year old in tears, without having to send the 'sorry for being such an ass this morning' text to my husband at around 10:00, without snapping at everyone so that by the time I get to wherever I'm going I'm so exhausted and just downright irritated that I 1. feel like crap about how I handled myself and 2. I invariably want to start over.

Yes, I know that getting up earlier, all of us getting up earlier would probably make a difference but I think we'd still have that 20-30 minutes of trying to get Guthrie to move slightly faster than a turtle, the crap - did everyone get breakfast?, the oh- my work phone is in my pants pocket upstairs. And sleep is just still so precious, even though Laithe is sleeping for stretches that Guthrie didn't get to for at least a year. And getting up earlier means going to bed earlier, which means carving more time off our already very short evenings that we can spend together as a family.

Can you tell I'm writing this in the morning? That I'm still ever so cranky and whiny?
Obviously this morning was not a good one. It was not even PG-13 (where the adult can swear quietly under her breath and other family members don't hear it). And we all felt like crap when it was over.

So, what do you guys do? How do you make your mornings smoother or at least livable?

boys and girls

so i knew we'd have the conversation about the differences between boys and girls bodies when Laithe was born.

here's how it's gone:

Gus: What's that thing Mama?

Mama: What thing?

Gus: That thing!

Mama: That's his penis. It's where his pee comes out.

Gus: Why it look like that?

Mama: Because he is a boy. Those are boy parts. You have lady parts.

(yeah, i don't know why i started calling them lady parts like 2 years ago but we're stuck with it now folks)

Gus: Where his poop come out?

Mama: Down there, pretty much the same as you.

Gus: But, but Mama -- what is that thing?

Mama: Those are his testicles.

Gus: I no have those. I have lady parts. You don't have them either. Daddy has them?

Mama: Yes, Daddy has them, and actually we kind of have them too, but they're on the inside.
(this is where i forget to add in that when they're on the inside they're called ovaries)

********
Several days later

Gus: Laithe has boy parts. I have lady parts. Mom has lady parts. Dad has boy parts.

Mama: yep. that's right.

Gus (galloping out of the room; singing loudly): AND MY TENTACLES ARE INSIDE!


yep. should have mention the ovary thing.

curly hair

When I was a kid Loree and her son Brian lived in the same mobile home park as us. There were many a meal at her house over the years and to this day I can remember sitting at her kitchen table eating sandwiches. Also to this day I can hear her voice in my head say "you have to eat your crusts; it'll make your hair curly." Funny thing, for Brian, it'd give him chest hair.

Being the wise mom I am I decided to pull this one on my daughter tonight when we were eating our soup and bread (which was homemade and very good I might add. I've gotten good at bread.) and she goes, "Guthrie no like the crusts!" and starts to rip the crust off the bread. So, I say, "You have to eat the crusts, it's what makes your hair curly."

She ponders this as she chews her bite for about 30 seconds. Long enough for me to get smug.

Then looks me in the eye and says, "My hair already curly mom."

And rips the crust off.

Parenting was easier in the 80's wasn't it Loree?