Yeah so April is over. And with it the deadlines I had for a few posts on c-sections. Meh, whatever. CAM might be over, but I'm still pretty aware of my c-sections regardless of the month, so I'll just bravely carry on.
When you're pregnant you hear kind of non-stop about birth plans. Some practitioners are in favor of it some, like my first midwife with Guthrie are superstitious about it - she said, "I think that whatever you write on it ends up happening" and some outright refuse to have anything to do with it.
Having written three birth plans - one for Guthrie, two for Laithe - I think they are useful for a number of reasons.
1. it forces you to think about (and prioritize) your preferences. Some believe that there is no such thing as a preference with a birth - you get the baby out. You hope it is healthy. You trust the Expert to do their job. Except that's not really how it is. Within the realm of a "normal, healthy birth" there are an astonishing array of decisions to be made.
2. it allows you space to discuss your preferences with your practitioner(s). You get to read their expression as they read your plan and frequently you learn a lot. A lot. The birth plan is an excellent tool to open a dialogue with those involved in your sacred experience. Because it is a sacred experience - regardless of method, of your level of consciousness, of who is present: when a person comes into this world it is sacred moment. Choose wisely and to the best of your ability who will be with you.
3. it gives you some insurance should your chosen practitioner not be there. Should someone get the flu. Should you get transferred to another care provider or location. I cannot say this enough - do not count on your chosen practitioner(s) to be your only advocate. It's just not good practice. In addition, I would even say do not count on yourself, spouse, partner, or family member to be your only advocate. Shit happens. You may be under general anesthesia and the pediatrician is wondering whether or not your baby gets a vitamin K shot and no one may be there to speak for you. Your own partner may forget you didn't want eye antibiotics because Oh My God he just became a father. It is good to have your desires known by those who will be giving you and your child care and it is good to have them be on a piece of paper.
And most of all because this is your first conscious act of parenting.
The birth plan we wrote for Guthrie was based on the belief that we would be in a hospital, that interventions would likely be suggested, and that we wanted a natural birth. The first birth plan we wrote for Laithe was based on the belief that we would be at home, that we would need people to know what pets we had, and that this would be a vbac. The second birth plan we wrote for Laithe was when we had a 24 hour window between scheduling a cesarean and actually having it.
Preparing for a non-emergent cesarean is a surreal experience - at least it was for me. Both times. Emergency c-sections are becoming more rare. The vast majority of people I speak with had a window between when they were told they would be having a c-section and when it occurred. Some have a few hours, some have a few days, some have years if they are told they will never have the option to birth vaginally.
Once we had the cesarean talk when I was laboring (or not) with Guthrie I believed I had no options; once I was in the operating room I was at the mercy of whoever else was in there - to this day I have no idea who delivered her. I even have my chart and the resident's name is not listed; only her supervisor's. (see why I feel strongly about #3?) I was wrong though.
You have options and a degree of control over:
- who will be with you - how many people can you invite to be there? With Guthrie both my mom and John were there, with Laithe, only John. The benefit to having two people was that my mom was able to stay with me after John went with Guthrie and the mass of peds. Both times we also brought in our camera which was good.
- what is going on in the background. There are frequently radios/cd players in operating rooms. Yeah, it is weird. I'll never forget listening to Taylor Swift while they were stitching me up from Laithe thinking, 'huh. Taylor Swift? really?' But trust me, I'll take Top 40 over the discussion that was going on between anesthesiologists during Guthrie's birth- the one about the MMC the resident was going to have to attend halfway through my surgery because he'd lost someone during surgery not long before. I was so doped up on meds that I couldn't get the words out to ask them to stop. That I was terrified and vulnerable and are you kidding me you're talking about this in front of an awake patient? A patient who's uterus is currently outside of her body? Really? We all watch TV; we all know about these meetings. It's really, really hard when you physically cannot be your own advocate.
- seeing and touching your baby. There are rumors that people have had their baby placed on their chest after a c-section. I was told both times that there wasn't enough room between my chin and the curtain. I did however, the second time know to request that one arm be untied (they velcro you down during surgery in a crucifix position. one arm has the IV in it, but the other is just velcroed.) Once they know how you will react to anesthesia, etc there's no reason you can't have the other arm undone so you can touch your baby. Being able to touch Laithe's little face was awesome.
- sharing the sex of your baby - We didn't find out the sex of either baby prior to birth, so one of our requests was that John announce the baby's sex. It was probably the best part of both births. You know, other than the actual baby.
- who goes with the baby - Once the baby is out s/he is taken to either the NICU, nursery, or your recovery room. As I said before we chose to have John go with the baby both times. It made me feel better that our child was in the care of his/her parent from the get-go. Taylor Swift kept me company. It was ok. On the other hand, I could certainly understand wanting your partner to stay with you because it is scary, there's no two ways about it.
There are other requests that we made that were not because I was having a c-section - like keeping my placenta (everyone asks questions about this one - and actually we forgot Laithe's at the hospital and John had to go back for it - it was really quite funny), having the baby receive cares in your room rather than the nursery, to not have the baby get nourishment from anywhere other than your breastmilk, to not circumcise, to not receive vitamin k or eye antibiotics.
Like I said before, this is one of your first conscious acts of parenting. And just because you know you're going to have a c-section, or know you're going to induced, or know you're going to have a homebirth doesn't mean you shouldn't write one. Because, not to be all doom and gloom, but we in fact do not know. Human life at its most basic, right?
And there was that one lady I met who was scheduled for a repeat c-section and went into labor early and bam had the baby within an hour - too quickly to even get the operating room set up -- and man was she pissed! What is that saying about grass being greener?
Go write your birth plan.
Showing posts with label c-section. Show all posts
Showing posts with label c-section. Show all posts
May 18, 2011
April 26, 2011
cesarean awareness month
This month is Cesarean Awareness Month. There are some great resources out there for information on cesareans, preventing them, healing from them, vbac'ing because of them, supporting each other in them. ICAN and ICAN's blog (which is running a kind of 'birth story a day' this month. these women and their stories. goodness.) are awesome.
I want to do a few posts over this next week-seeing as how the month got away from me- about c-sections. I realize I talk about them a lot, but there's a lot of stuff I haven't even touched.
Like making a cesarean birth plan, like making the decision to have an elective repeat cesarean, like taking care of your scar and your body afterwards.
There have been a number of stories in the past few months about the rising rate of c-sections. How more than 1 in 3 women will have a cesarean.
Can I say that again?
How one in three women will have a surgical birth.
Cesarean section is the most common surgery in America.
For all the attention they give to heart disease, cholesterol, erectile dysfunction in this country shouldn't there be more attention given to this?
Women are dying. Children are dying. The United States has the highest maternal mortality rate of all the first world countries. The powers that be are finally linking that to the rise in c-sections.
Yes cesarean is an excellent and useful tool. Yes it can save lives.
No. It should not be this common.
The WHO believes that when you get above a 10-15% c-section rate the negatives will outweigh the positives. I believe that when you get above that number your priorities are shifting.
***
With the cesarean rate being this high I've got some good friends for company. The loneliness and utter isolation I felt - and hear about others feeling - are certainly not for lack of people to talk to. I mean really, if 3 out of 10 of my pregnant friends have babies born by surgery, if it's become the norm - then why do we feel so shitty about it? Except that it's kind of this unspoken thing among mothers. Among women. Can't talk about complicated feelings about my birth experience -- don't want to seem ungrateful, don't want to be one of those women!
There are women I talk to who feel good about their c-sections. Some, who for very, very good reasons, believe they owe their children's and their own lives to it. But for every one positive story I hear, there are at least three people dealing with long-term negative effects. Scars that don't heal correctly and still cause pain 20 years later, cesarean necessitated hysterectomies, flashbacks and nightmares, the inability to trust the medical profession, the feeling of brokenness. The belief that there is something wrong with my body. That I must just not be made to do this.
Where is the breakdown?
Why are we turning these feelings onto ourselves instead of well, the medical profession or even to circumstance or chance? Why are we always just blaming ourselves; our bodies?
Why aren't doctors adding to the consent forms they make you sign that it is likely you'll have massive emotional and possibly physical repercussions from this event for years to come. And that they'll be complex. And that you'll need a support system in place to deal with them or you'll begin to believe you aren't fit to have children. That the self-loathing and grief may get so intense you'll need to seek psychiatric help.
That would be a helpful consent form.
It isn't like I have any answers to these questions. It isn't like even after I've had counseling and amazing support that I don't still have complicated feelings about my cesarean births. I do believe though that until women are open and honest about this the cesarean rate will continue to rise. Not through any fault of our own, but shifts in culture do not start at the top.
They always start with us.
I want to do a few posts over this next week-seeing as how the month got away from me- about c-sections. I realize I talk about them a lot, but there's a lot of stuff I haven't even touched.
Like making a cesarean birth plan, like making the decision to have an elective repeat cesarean, like taking care of your scar and your body afterwards.
There have been a number of stories in the past few months about the rising rate of c-sections. How more than 1 in 3 women will have a cesarean.
Can I say that again?
How one in three women will have a surgical birth.
Cesarean section is the most common surgery in America.
For all the attention they give to heart disease, cholesterol, erectile dysfunction in this country shouldn't there be more attention given to this?
Women are dying. Children are dying. The United States has the highest maternal mortality rate of all the first world countries. The powers that be are finally linking that to the rise in c-sections.
Yes cesarean is an excellent and useful tool. Yes it can save lives.
No. It should not be this common.
The WHO believes that when you get above a 10-15% c-section rate the negatives will outweigh the positives. I believe that when you get above that number your priorities are shifting.
***
With the cesarean rate being this high I've got some good friends for company. The loneliness and utter isolation I felt - and hear about others feeling - are certainly not for lack of people to talk to. I mean really, if 3 out of 10 of my pregnant friends have babies born by surgery, if it's become the norm - then why do we feel so shitty about it? Except that it's kind of this unspoken thing among mothers. Among women. Can't talk about complicated feelings about my birth experience -- don't want to seem ungrateful, don't want to be one of those women!
There are women I talk to who feel good about their c-sections. Some, who for very, very good reasons, believe they owe their children's and their own lives to it. But for every one positive story I hear, there are at least three people dealing with long-term negative effects. Scars that don't heal correctly and still cause pain 20 years later, cesarean necessitated hysterectomies, flashbacks and nightmares, the inability to trust the medical profession, the feeling of brokenness. The belief that there is something wrong with my body. That I must just not be made to do this.
Where is the breakdown?
Why are we turning these feelings onto ourselves instead of well, the medical profession or even to circumstance or chance? Why are we always just blaming ourselves; our bodies?
Why aren't doctors adding to the consent forms they make you sign that it is likely you'll have massive emotional and possibly physical repercussions from this event for years to come. And that they'll be complex. And that you'll need a support system in place to deal with them or you'll begin to believe you aren't fit to have children. That the self-loathing and grief may get so intense you'll need to seek psychiatric help.
That would be a helpful consent form.
It isn't like I have any answers to these questions. It isn't like even after I've had counseling and amazing support that I don't still have complicated feelings about my cesarean births. I do believe though that until women are open and honest about this the cesarean rate will continue to rise. Not through any fault of our own, but shifts in culture do not start at the top.
They always start with us.
July 18, 2010
stasis
It's been four and a half months since my c-section.
Mind-boggling is what that is.
Also four and a half months since Laithe was born, but that's a different post, kind of, or something.
I've specifically not written about this birth experience yet. I've left it out on purpose. After weeks of starting blog posts and not being able to finish them I gave in to the voice that said, give yourself a break and take some time to process this.
I'm not on the same healing path I was last time. The one that needed intense counseling. The one that necessitated long showers so I could just cry. Long drives with loud music and yelling.
This one is more of a dull roar. Less raw though not less painful. It just aches. It seems to be following my surgical healing experience. Where the first time I was afraid to touch my scar, afraid my body would break open at any point, this time I explored my scar. Massaged it and forced myself to look at it almost daily. Knowing that I heal better when my injury is not a mystery to me.
I was no less surprised this time. No less shocked at the outcome that meant that at the same time that I was newly-mothering my child I was healing from surgery. I had so incorporated the idea that I would have a vaginal birth into my reality that it took some effort to change that reality. There were, are, days that I need to remind myself that I have had two c-sections.
Two.
I was, am, also no less angry. No less indignant this time around. The anger isn't the arterial wound it was last time though. Again with the ache. Makes me slightly nervous- knowing how much easier it is to bury when it is just an ache. Funny thing, I thought the anger would have more to do with whether or not it was a "good" decision to have a c-section. That if I ever had to have another one and it wasn't a last-ditch effort like my first one I'd feel less anger, but no, not so much.
Many days I can get away with not really thinking about it. Not really dealing with anything. Thinking it's enough to deal with the dishes. Then days happen like last Thursday when I have this horrible knife-like pain in my lower back and realize it's in the exact spot my spinals were in. And I freak out because I've had a needle stuck into my spine three times. (the first one wasn't effective this last time, so they had to redo it) This can't be good for me or my spine. What if they did something wrong? Or when a friend had a baby a few weeks ago and I felt two things. 1. utter joy for her that she has a beautiful new baby and that everything went smoothly and well and 2. envy. sheer nausea inducing envy. The feelings are simultaneous. I kind of loathe that part of myself.
I work with grieving people every day, so I know that's what this is, but of course it doesn't make it any easier.
These kind of days irritate me. They make the rest of the week tough. But they should because these are the kind of days that require us to try and heal, right? They force us not to be static.
Early last week Guthrie and I were in the attic. The attic that I can't quite manage to go into without some sort of grief or anger or something gnawing at the back of my mind. There are still several things up there that are left from when I was preparing for a homebirth. In particular a picture I'd posted by the tub for focusing on if I needed it. I threw it away and Guthrie questioned me on it. I told her it was from when we were going to have Laithe be born at home. She looks in the trash can and looks me squarely in the eye and says, 'mama I'm sorry Laithe wasn't born here in our house. I hope your next baby is born here in our house.'
She, in particular, forces me not to be static.
Mind-boggling is what that is.
Also four and a half months since Laithe was born, but that's a different post, kind of, or something.
I've specifically not written about this birth experience yet. I've left it out on purpose. After weeks of starting blog posts and not being able to finish them I gave in to the voice that said, give yourself a break and take some time to process this.
I'm not on the same healing path I was last time. The one that needed intense counseling. The one that necessitated long showers so I could just cry. Long drives with loud music and yelling.
This one is more of a dull roar. Less raw though not less painful. It just aches. It seems to be following my surgical healing experience. Where the first time I was afraid to touch my scar, afraid my body would break open at any point, this time I explored my scar. Massaged it and forced myself to look at it almost daily. Knowing that I heal better when my injury is not a mystery to me.
I was no less surprised this time. No less shocked at the outcome that meant that at the same time that I was newly-mothering my child I was healing from surgery. I had so incorporated the idea that I would have a vaginal birth into my reality that it took some effort to change that reality. There were, are, days that I need to remind myself that I have had two c-sections.
Two.
I was, am, also no less angry. No less indignant this time around. The anger isn't the arterial wound it was last time though. Again with the ache. Makes me slightly nervous- knowing how much easier it is to bury when it is just an ache. Funny thing, I thought the anger would have more to do with whether or not it was a "good" decision to have a c-section. That if I ever had to have another one and it wasn't a last-ditch effort like my first one I'd feel less anger, but no, not so much.
Many days I can get away with not really thinking about it. Not really dealing with anything. Thinking it's enough to deal with the dishes. Then days happen like last Thursday when I have this horrible knife-like pain in my lower back and realize it's in the exact spot my spinals were in. And I freak out because I've had a needle stuck into my spine three times. (the first one wasn't effective this last time, so they had to redo it) This can't be good for me or my spine. What if they did something wrong? Or when a friend had a baby a few weeks ago and I felt two things. 1. utter joy for her that she has a beautiful new baby and that everything went smoothly and well and 2. envy. sheer nausea inducing envy. The feelings are simultaneous. I kind of loathe that part of myself.
I work with grieving people every day, so I know that's what this is, but of course it doesn't make it any easier.
These kind of days irritate me. They make the rest of the week tough. But they should because these are the kind of days that require us to try and heal, right? They force us not to be static.
Early last week Guthrie and I were in the attic. The attic that I can't quite manage to go into without some sort of grief or anger or something gnawing at the back of my mind. There are still several things up there that are left from when I was preparing for a homebirth. In particular a picture I'd posted by the tub for focusing on if I needed it. I threw it away and Guthrie questioned me on it. I told her it was from when we were going to have Laithe be born at home. She looks in the trash can and looks me squarely in the eye and says, 'mama I'm sorry Laithe wasn't born here in our house. I hope your next baby is born here in our house.'
She, in particular, forces me not to be static.
March 11, 2010
a little birthday
We baked up the birthday cake Guthrie and I had picked out when we were anticipating Laithe's arrival a few weeks ago for a little 1 week birthday party.
Didn't Gus do an awesome job with the frosting and sprinkles and candles??
We're slowly settling in - all four of us. Laithe is getting slightly less grumpy-old-man looking as the days go by although grumpy has turned into serious.
He does what newborns do best- eat, poop and sleep. I'm still getting used to the possibility that I may, and usually will, get peed on at every diaper change. And that it will actually be aimed at me. He's a wonderful nurser. I'm feeling so lucky about that. We had about a month of challenges with Guthrie (which is probably one of the reasons I nursed so long with her - you don't give up something you've worked so hard for that easily!) and literally right out of the hatch Laithe has had no issues. I'm so glad there haven't been any middle of the night tears on my part because baby won't latch on or baby won't stay awake, etc. He will pull off and burp, without any help, sit for a second and then go back for more. And where it was a challenge to get Guthrie to wait for the nutrient rich 'hind milk' to come in Laithe seems to take it in stride. I'm crossing my fingers this keeps up.
We go in today for a weight check and all around newborn check. I'm interested to see how much weight he's gained and where he falls in the percentiles.
The other great thing - something I was so looking forward to- is that I've been able to wear Laithe in a couple of our slings now and he loves it. John wore him at the hospital when he was barely 24 hours old and he was pretty darn content then too. I love having him so close to me!
And big sister? She's doing as well as anyone could have hoped for.
She still asks me not to leave her on a daily basis - which she's been doing since I came home from the hospital - and she's pretty emotionally needy right now. She's also thrilled to shower Laithe with kisses and hug and cuddles and is so proud of her baby brother - whom she sometimes calls Nathan. Whatever.
We've had a couple outings as a four person family and they've gone well. Exhausting, but well. I'm definitely still recovering and need to take it easy. It's hard when you are so used to being self-sufficient and all. I had to catch myself from putting Guthrie up onto the kitchen counter the other day when she asked. It's so second nature to just do what needs to be done. But, I'm trying to be careful. I go back to the Dr. tomorrow to check on my incision and hopefully get the go ahead to drive. There are some things that I'd forgotten about in the recovery process - one of which is a splitting headache from the spinal anesthesia that lasts for about a month. And given that I got a sort of double spinal this time because the first needle wasn't long enough- yuck- I'm betting this one lasts longer. It's so not cool. And then there's that whole, oh they shaved along the incision and now the hair is growing back thing. Under my steri-strips. Awesome. And since we've just discussed my hair down there we might as well go to this - I was at the store doing some shopping for uh, something to help the side effects of painkillers and discovered they sell chocolate flavored laxatives. Really? Who buys those? Seriously.
And John is exhausted. He has none of the new mom hormones to keep him going and is really feeling the lack of rest. He goes back to work next week and we're all a little anxious to get a routine going, but also not anxious at all to have him not here during the day. It's been a nice space for our family to grow into itself this past week.
Ugh, doesn't your heart just melt when you look at them? It's almost more than I can handle.
Didn't Gus do an awesome job with the frosting and sprinkles and candles??We're slowly settling in - all four of us. Laithe is getting slightly less grumpy-old-man looking as the days go by although grumpy has turned into serious.
He does what newborns do best- eat, poop and sleep. I'm still getting used to the possibility that I may, and usually will, get peed on at every diaper change. And that it will actually be aimed at me. He's a wonderful nurser. I'm feeling so lucky about that. We had about a month of challenges with Guthrie (which is probably one of the reasons I nursed so long with her - you don't give up something you've worked so hard for that easily!) and literally right out of the hatch Laithe has had no issues. I'm so glad there haven't been any middle of the night tears on my part because baby won't latch on or baby won't stay awake, etc. He will pull off and burp, without any help, sit for a second and then go back for more. And where it was a challenge to get Guthrie to wait for the nutrient rich 'hind milk' to come in Laithe seems to take it in stride. I'm crossing my fingers this keeps up.We go in today for a weight check and all around newborn check. I'm interested to see how much weight he's gained and where he falls in the percentiles.
The other great thing - something I was so looking forward to- is that I've been able to wear Laithe in a couple of our slings now and he loves it. John wore him at the hospital when he was barely 24 hours old and he was pretty darn content then too. I love having him so close to me!
And big sister? She's doing as well as anyone could have hoped for.
She still asks me not to leave her on a daily basis - which she's been doing since I came home from the hospital - and she's pretty emotionally needy right now. She's also thrilled to shower Laithe with kisses and hug and cuddles and is so proud of her baby brother - whom she sometimes calls Nathan. Whatever.We've had a couple outings as a four person family and they've gone well. Exhausting, but well. I'm definitely still recovering and need to take it easy. It's hard when you are so used to being self-sufficient and all. I had to catch myself from putting Guthrie up onto the kitchen counter the other day when she asked. It's so second nature to just do what needs to be done. But, I'm trying to be careful. I go back to the Dr. tomorrow to check on my incision and hopefully get the go ahead to drive. There are some things that I'd forgotten about in the recovery process - one of which is a splitting headache from the spinal anesthesia that lasts for about a month. And given that I got a sort of double spinal this time because the first needle wasn't long enough- yuck- I'm betting this one lasts longer. It's so not cool. And then there's that whole, oh they shaved along the incision and now the hair is growing back thing. Under my steri-strips. Awesome. And since we've just discussed my hair down there we might as well go to this - I was at the store doing some shopping for uh, something to help the side effects of painkillers and discovered they sell chocolate flavored laxatives. Really? Who buys those? Seriously.
And John is exhausted. He has none of the new mom hormones to keep him going and is really feeling the lack of rest. He goes back to work next week and we're all a little anxious to get a routine going, but also not anxious at all to have him not here during the day. It's been a nice space for our family to grow into itself this past week.
Ugh, doesn't your heart just melt when you look at them? It's almost more than I can handle.
March 5, 2010
Welcome to our Family!
On March 2nd, 2010 at 1:09 pm we welcomed our son Laithe Kadence with open arms.He weighed a whopping 9 pounds 9 ounces and is 21 inches long!
Blue eyes and blond hair and a very serious face - and perfectly healthy.
He was, of course, loved immediately by everyone, but especially by his big sister who just cannot stop kissing him.
Our house is a little overflowing with love and happiness right now with parents who are pretty much always on the verge of happy tears. So in awe of the fact that at this very moment they have everything they've ever wanted in life.
How exactly did we get so lucky?
Tonight will be our first night at home - so be thinking of us at 3 am! I'm taking it easy and healing well. Birth story and more details to come.Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers and support this week. We are so blessed by all of you!
February 1, 2010
getting there
Hey guess what guys?
It's February.
Very likely we'll have a new member of our family join us this month.
And guess what - my body is totally feeling it.
I swear I can feel my hips spreading with every step I take.
Sleep is restless and naps are as plenty as I can make them.
My shirts are working really hard - and mostly failing - at covering my belly.
And my pants won't stay up. It's hard to keep elastic around a beach ball.
Possibly the most annoying- the ligaments (?) that surround my pelvis just ache. Making my upper thighs ache and burn and no amount of stretching releases it.
Snow boots? What are those -- ohhh, you mean shoes with laces. You can forget that right now. I can barely reach my feet to get my socks on. There have been several jokes about my looking like a T-Rex.
So, my answer to these complaints?
1. knit dresses and leggings and clogs.
2. as many naps as i can squeeze in - even if it means settling on my husband's shoulder at the movie theater, making him think i was cuddling when in actuality i was snoring.
3. lots of hot tea. the only ONLY thing that makes late pregnancy in winter worth it.
4. yoga, massage, chiropractic adjustments and reiki treatments whenever i can squeeze them in.
5. ice cream. because it's the answer to everything.
I'm trying really hard not to get whiny this time around because I know that once the baby is in my arms and not my belly I'll be all nostalgic. I love being pregnant. I'm amazed at what my body can do and how there's a set of feet I can almost always find below my right ribs. That these stretch marks are literally marks from where my body grew a human being and expanded to make enough space for a person.
I was unprepared for how keenly I felt the loss of being pregnant after Guthrie's birth. I know a good portion of that was due to our birth experience, but I think that I know this is will only happen a few times in my life. That only a few times will I have this active a role in the universe expanding. That it needs to be cherished and celebrated. I'm so boundlessly grateful for this experience, the aches and pains seem so minor. One of the midwives asked me a month or so ago if I had a general feeling of peace and well being. I think ecstasy and awe are more likely.
Which is not to say I haven't had my moments. That quite possibly John is rolling his eyes because he hears the brunt - if not all - of my complaints. Last night Guthrie asked me to eat dinner with her on the floor. Which is totally fine. I can get on the floor with ease and grace and it's comfortable for me to be able to stretch my legs out.
There was no amount of grace in the grunting and under-the-breath swearing it took for me to get off the floor. None at all. John goes, umm hon are you alright? Umm, yes. Just trying to haul myself up. And he's all, well you sound like you're in labor.
****
We are getting excited though. It feels almost tangible at this point.
Guthrie plays 'baby in my tummy' frequently and her tiger has been born many times. With much grunting and effort. I try to tell her that it would take less effort if she'd let gravity work for her and not try to birth Roar out of her shirt collar, but to no avail.
She loves watching birthing videos. I mean loves it. We've gathered and borrowed as many books as we could find that talk about newborn care and homebirth and being an older sister that we have to read a lot. Her favorite is definitely "We're Having a Homebirth" but she calls it "stayhome birth" and tells me, "I hold your hand when you have your baby. It be ok, mom. Baby come out of lady parts. Kind of like poop."
So, the details are kind of sketchy but she's mostly got it. As long as she's not expecting me to birth anything out the top of my shirt I think it'll work out.
So, yes, as we approach these last few weeks we're doing well. We're still not sure where all the parts to the carseat are, but I'm sure we'll find them. I'm as prepared for a VBAC as I'll ever be and the excitement I feel at the possibility of being able to birth this baby myself is huge. I'll be honest that I've had almost a physical ache to give birth vaginally since Guthrie was born. And while I don't want to put more pressure on this birth than the desire for my child, myself, and my family to be healthy at the end of it I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel somehow incomplete because of my c-section. And I'm not talking about this emotional desire for a natural birth or hopes for my labor to somehow go like I 'want' it to. I'm talking about a real physical feeling that there is literally something missing. One of the VBAC books I read- I believe Open Season by Nancy Cohen compares the experience of a woman having a c-section to a man experiencing impotence. At first I was uncertain about this comparison for various reasons but as I've mulled it over since reading it several months ago I've come to appreciate it. It accounts for that real, physical feeling that I've experienced over the past 3 years that my body somehow missed out on something huge. That I took a hit emotionally because I wasn't able to complete this pregnancy experience the way nature intended. I'd be interested in talking to other c-section moms to see if they have experienced this more physical repercussion of their c-sections. It was not one that I was expecting.
And the baby? The baby is doing very well. I'm certain being 2 inches taller would make it more comfortable. Oh well. I love feeling the frequent bouts of hiccups the baby is having. I love knowing that it is practicing breathing. Getting ready for what is to come. The concerns we had about IUGR at the beginning of the pregnancy due to medication I'm on have gone by the wayside and what we thought would be monthly ultrasounds have not needed to occur. In fact, I had more ultrasounds last time around. This week actually is the last week I was pregnant with Guthrie.
I'll be 38 weeks on Thursday and I was induced at 38 weeks and 1 day last time. The amount of tests, blood work, urine samples, non-stress tests, etc. I'd undergone by this point, well, let's just say that this time around feels so different. So incredibly different. And I'm so grateful for that. To be clear, I would have done it all again - in less than a heartbeat. However, not having to has been such a gift.
I've had to process and deal with my last pregnancy and Guthrie's birth emotionally all over again during this pregnancy. Like I was expecting not to? And while I think I'll carry the weight of my experience of her birth with me forever, I have also come to a place where I very much honor our journey. I honor that the toughest experience of my life was the birth of my first child and that, possibly because of that, I have this amazing, precious child with a stubborn streak a mile wide and a tender heart who tells me, it be ok mom, I hold your hand. Whom I love with a ferocity I didn't know possible. Would she have been different if she'd been born in a quiet room, lit dimly with only the people who loved her present? Possibly. Possibly not. But I have no doubt that our relationship is different because of how she was born. Because of that shared experience. And really, I wouldn't trade that for anything because it's incredible.
So, here's to the last weeks of pregnancy in all its body changing glory. And to the last weeks of us being a 3 person family.
It's February.
Very likely we'll have a new member of our family join us this month.
And guess what - my body is totally feeling it.
I swear I can feel my hips spreading with every step I take.
Sleep is restless and naps are as plenty as I can make them.
My shirts are working really hard - and mostly failing - at covering my belly.
And my pants won't stay up. It's hard to keep elastic around a beach ball.
Possibly the most annoying- the ligaments (?) that surround my pelvis just ache. Making my upper thighs ache and burn and no amount of stretching releases it.
Snow boots? What are those -- ohhh, you mean shoes with laces. You can forget that right now. I can barely reach my feet to get my socks on. There have been several jokes about my looking like a T-Rex.
So, my answer to these complaints?
1. knit dresses and leggings and clogs.
2. as many naps as i can squeeze in - even if it means settling on my husband's shoulder at the movie theater, making him think i was cuddling when in actuality i was snoring.
3. lots of hot tea. the only ONLY thing that makes late pregnancy in winter worth it.
4. yoga, massage, chiropractic adjustments and reiki treatments whenever i can squeeze them in.
5. ice cream. because it's the answer to everything.
I'm trying really hard not to get whiny this time around because I know that once the baby is in my arms and not my belly I'll be all nostalgic. I love being pregnant. I'm amazed at what my body can do and how there's a set of feet I can almost always find below my right ribs. That these stretch marks are literally marks from where my body grew a human being and expanded to make enough space for a person.
I was unprepared for how keenly I felt the loss of being pregnant after Guthrie's birth. I know a good portion of that was due to our birth experience, but I think that I know this is will only happen a few times in my life. That only a few times will I have this active a role in the universe expanding. That it needs to be cherished and celebrated. I'm so boundlessly grateful for this experience, the aches and pains seem so minor. One of the midwives asked me a month or so ago if I had a general feeling of peace and well being. I think ecstasy and awe are more likely.
Which is not to say I haven't had my moments. That quite possibly John is rolling his eyes because he hears the brunt - if not all - of my complaints. Last night Guthrie asked me to eat dinner with her on the floor. Which is totally fine. I can get on the floor with ease and grace and it's comfortable for me to be able to stretch my legs out.
There was no amount of grace in the grunting and under-the-breath swearing it took for me to get off the floor. None at all. John goes, umm hon are you alright? Umm, yes. Just trying to haul myself up. And he's all, well you sound like you're in labor.
****
We are getting excited though. It feels almost tangible at this point.
Guthrie plays 'baby in my tummy' frequently and her tiger has been born many times. With much grunting and effort. I try to tell her that it would take less effort if she'd let gravity work for her and not try to birth Roar out of her shirt collar, but to no avail.
She loves watching birthing videos. I mean loves it. We've gathered and borrowed as many books as we could find that talk about newborn care and homebirth and being an older sister that we have to read a lot. Her favorite is definitely "We're Having a Homebirth" but she calls it "stayhome birth" and tells me, "I hold your hand when you have your baby. It be ok, mom. Baby come out of lady parts. Kind of like poop."
So, the details are kind of sketchy but she's mostly got it. As long as she's not expecting me to birth anything out the top of my shirt I think it'll work out.
So, yes, as we approach these last few weeks we're doing well. We're still not sure where all the parts to the carseat are, but I'm sure we'll find them. I'm as prepared for a VBAC as I'll ever be and the excitement I feel at the possibility of being able to birth this baby myself is huge. I'll be honest that I've had almost a physical ache to give birth vaginally since Guthrie was born. And while I don't want to put more pressure on this birth than the desire for my child, myself, and my family to be healthy at the end of it I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel somehow incomplete because of my c-section. And I'm not talking about this emotional desire for a natural birth or hopes for my labor to somehow go like I 'want' it to. I'm talking about a real physical feeling that there is literally something missing. One of the VBAC books I read- I believe Open Season by Nancy Cohen compares the experience of a woman having a c-section to a man experiencing impotence. At first I was uncertain about this comparison for various reasons but as I've mulled it over since reading it several months ago I've come to appreciate it. It accounts for that real, physical feeling that I've experienced over the past 3 years that my body somehow missed out on something huge. That I took a hit emotionally because I wasn't able to complete this pregnancy experience the way nature intended. I'd be interested in talking to other c-section moms to see if they have experienced this more physical repercussion of their c-sections. It was not one that I was expecting.
And the baby? The baby is doing very well. I'm certain being 2 inches taller would make it more comfortable. Oh well. I love feeling the frequent bouts of hiccups the baby is having. I love knowing that it is practicing breathing. Getting ready for what is to come. The concerns we had about IUGR at the beginning of the pregnancy due to medication I'm on have gone by the wayside and what we thought would be monthly ultrasounds have not needed to occur. In fact, I had more ultrasounds last time around. This week actually is the last week I was pregnant with Guthrie.
I'll be 38 weeks on Thursday and I was induced at 38 weeks and 1 day last time. The amount of tests, blood work, urine samples, non-stress tests, etc. I'd undergone by this point, well, let's just say that this time around feels so different. So incredibly different. And I'm so grateful for that. To be clear, I would have done it all again - in less than a heartbeat. However, not having to has been such a gift.
I've had to process and deal with my last pregnancy and Guthrie's birth emotionally all over again during this pregnancy. Like I was expecting not to? And while I think I'll carry the weight of my experience of her birth with me forever, I have also come to a place where I very much honor our journey. I honor that the toughest experience of my life was the birth of my first child and that, possibly because of that, I have this amazing, precious child with a stubborn streak a mile wide and a tender heart who tells me, it be ok mom, I hold your hand. Whom I love with a ferocity I didn't know possible. Would she have been different if she'd been born in a quiet room, lit dimly with only the people who loved her present? Possibly. Possibly not. But I have no doubt that our relationship is different because of how she was born. Because of that shared experience. And really, I wouldn't trade that for anything because it's incredible.
So, here's to the last weeks of pregnancy in all its body changing glory. And to the last weeks of us being a 3 person family.
August 2, 2009
details!
I'm finally getting a chance to sit down and blog. This week has been super busy and looking back I'm not sure why. I haven't been feeling that great, so there have been several trips to the chiropractor. I guess that added to the busyness. And work has been inundated with Corporate and all the doom and gloom that comes with. It doesn't really impact my job at all, but it certainly impacts the office environment!
So, this whole baby thing! Here's where we're at now. Eleven weeks - so on the late side of mid-February we should have a new family member. Is 2010 a leap year? I never pay attention. I should probably check, huh? (I checked. It is not.)
I'm feeling overall better than I did with Guthrie. I sometimes have to remind myself when in the throes of nausea that my record this time has been throwing up 2 times in one morning whereas my record last time was about 8! I am also thankful that I've only lost 5 lbs so far and not the 12 I had by this point last time. I more just feel gross and irritable. And so sleepy!!
And then there's the sciatica.
Because I'm 80.
It does indeed bring the 80 year old out in me. You can, most days, find me tottering around mumbling, "oh my sciatica!" while rubbing my, well, my rear end. I'm sure it's just the picture of loveliness. Apparently my good ole uterus has a penchant for resting on my sciatic nerve. It did this last time. The whole time. And I'm not havin' it anymore. Hence the chiropractor. She said to give it a couple weeks of treatment and we'll reassess how things are going. I woke up this morning feeling substantially better though, so I have high hopes. My next option is acupuncture, but my insurance doesn't cover that so I'm hoping this works.
We're seeking out our options for prenatal caregivers. Wanting to cover my in-town bases I made several phone calls and most ended either in anger or tears. This is not a heavily VBAC supportive community. The two hospitals in town are "VBAC supportive" but I don't totally trust it. They won't give out percentages and call me crazy, but when the L & D department says, "well, we've had several" it doesn't really exude confidence.
The low point in the phone calls was when I called the one physician my family doctor recommended I was told she would not consider a VBAC unless I'd had two prior successful ones.
Uh-huh. So. Let me get this math right.
In theory: I've had one c-section. Then I had two successful VBACs (but not with you, with some other capable caregiver). And now I'm pregnant again.
So, four kids? We need to have a family of six before you'll agree to even think about me having a child vaginally?
Huh.
At this point in the phone calls I'm more on the irate side then the teary side. For a caregiver to make that call without even seeing a patient - let alone getting her case history is some damn poor care.
So, we've narrowed it down to two groups of midwives. One is in town and one is out of Iowa City. We've met with one of them and both really liked what we heard.
What frustrates me this time around is that this feels a little like a game. And I guess that it kind of is. It's the well, let's put you on Labetalol for your chronic hypertension because, 1. it gives great numbers even though you may feel like crap for your entire pregnancy and 2. frequently women who are on it have smaller babies and that's always good for a VBAC because then they can't in good conscience schedule a section because they think you are "measuring large". It not the fun kind of roulette.
The thing is that we played this kind of game before and I didn't like it.
Likely because I think childbirth can be a sacred experience.
It's hard to have sacred when they tie you down to cut you open for anything less than an emergency. At least for me.
The second set of midwives does home births. And I feel substantially more comfortable with that option. And really, is anyone surprised? Thing is that I'm not sure we can afford it. Our insurance company will pay for labs and that's about it. It may come down to me choosing between a home birth and having a good solid maternity leave. I'm not sure I want to make that decision. So, what's a family to do?
And back to therapy I go!!
It's hard not to have all this shit have an impact on my excitement for this baby. And I am so excited! I'm so excited that I burst into tears at slightly inappropriate moments because I've been so blessed. We tried so hard for what seemed like forever and if a few more months had passed we were both going in for testing. And now we will be a family of four. My whole life I've waited for this- this motherhood thing. I am overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings about it.
I'm certain that this blog will change a little bit as time goes on. Which is good. Static is never a fun read. But I'm preparing you now that I will over share about this pregnancy in ways that certain members of the population will be uncomfortable with. I'm certain I will vent my frustrations and possibly use this as a sounding board for my processing of this whole experience. Shocking, I know. So, bear with me. I promise I'll still talk about adorable little Gus who kisses my abdomen at socially awkward times. I feel like I should wear a sign - I mean soon maternity clothes will make it obvious, but until then - "I promise she's kissing her future sibling and this is not some kind of weird thing our family does".
Which, speaking of Guthrie, we signed her up for preschool last week. Preschool. How did that happen? And tonight we bought her a bright red backpack and matching tennis shoes. And she wore it through all the other errands we did. She's 85,000 kinds of cute. But, Preschool?
I took her first day of school off because, duh, I will totally cry. I'm so proud of the little girl she's become. That seems so strange to say because she's 2, but really I am.
So, this whole baby thing! Here's where we're at now. Eleven weeks - so on the late side of mid-February we should have a new family member. Is 2010 a leap year? I never pay attention. I should probably check, huh? (I checked. It is not.)
I'm feeling overall better than I did with Guthrie. I sometimes have to remind myself when in the throes of nausea that my record this time has been throwing up 2 times in one morning whereas my record last time was about 8! I am also thankful that I've only lost 5 lbs so far and not the 12 I had by this point last time. I more just feel gross and irritable. And so sleepy!!
And then there's the sciatica.
Because I'm 80.
It does indeed bring the 80 year old out in me. You can, most days, find me tottering around mumbling, "oh my sciatica!" while rubbing my, well, my rear end. I'm sure it's just the picture of loveliness. Apparently my good ole uterus has a penchant for resting on my sciatic nerve. It did this last time. The whole time. And I'm not havin' it anymore. Hence the chiropractor. She said to give it a couple weeks of treatment and we'll reassess how things are going. I woke up this morning feeling substantially better though, so I have high hopes. My next option is acupuncture, but my insurance doesn't cover that so I'm hoping this works.
We're seeking out our options for prenatal caregivers. Wanting to cover my in-town bases I made several phone calls and most ended either in anger or tears. This is not a heavily VBAC supportive community. The two hospitals in town are "VBAC supportive" but I don't totally trust it. They won't give out percentages and call me crazy, but when the L & D department says, "well, we've had several" it doesn't really exude confidence.
The low point in the phone calls was when I called the one physician my family doctor recommended I was told she would not consider a VBAC unless I'd had two prior successful ones.
Uh-huh. So. Let me get this math right.
In theory: I've had one c-section. Then I had two successful VBACs (but not with you, with some other capable caregiver). And now I'm pregnant again.
So, four kids? We need to have a family of six before you'll agree to even think about me having a child vaginally?
Huh.
At this point in the phone calls I'm more on the irate side then the teary side. For a caregiver to make that call without even seeing a patient - let alone getting her case history is some damn poor care.
So, we've narrowed it down to two groups of midwives. One is in town and one is out of Iowa City. We've met with one of them and both really liked what we heard.
What frustrates me this time around is that this feels a little like a game. And I guess that it kind of is. It's the well, let's put you on Labetalol for your chronic hypertension because, 1. it gives great numbers even though you may feel like crap for your entire pregnancy and 2. frequently women who are on it have smaller babies and that's always good for a VBAC because then they can't in good conscience schedule a section because they think you are "measuring large". It not the fun kind of roulette.
The thing is that we played this kind of game before and I didn't like it.
Likely because I think childbirth can be a sacred experience.
It's hard to have sacred when they tie you down to cut you open for anything less than an emergency. At least for me.
The second set of midwives does home births. And I feel substantially more comfortable with that option. And really, is anyone surprised? Thing is that I'm not sure we can afford it. Our insurance company will pay for labs and that's about it. It may come down to me choosing between a home birth and having a good solid maternity leave. I'm not sure I want to make that decision. So, what's a family to do?
And back to therapy I go!!
It's hard not to have all this shit have an impact on my excitement for this baby. And I am so excited! I'm so excited that I burst into tears at slightly inappropriate moments because I've been so blessed. We tried so hard for what seemed like forever and if a few more months had passed we were both going in for testing. And now we will be a family of four. My whole life I've waited for this- this motherhood thing. I am overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings about it.
I'm certain that this blog will change a little bit as time goes on. Which is good. Static is never a fun read. But I'm preparing you now that I will over share about this pregnancy in ways that certain members of the population will be uncomfortable with. I'm certain I will vent my frustrations and possibly use this as a sounding board for my processing of this whole experience. Shocking, I know. So, bear with me. I promise I'll still talk about adorable little Gus who kisses my abdomen at socially awkward times. I feel like I should wear a sign - I mean soon maternity clothes will make it obvious, but until then - "I promise she's kissing her future sibling and this is not some kind of weird thing our family does".
Which, speaking of Guthrie, we signed her up for preschool last week. Preschool. How did that happen? And tonight we bought her a bright red backpack and matching tennis shoes. And she wore it through all the other errands we did. She's 85,000 kinds of cute. But, Preschool?
I took her first day of school off because, duh, I will totally cry. I'm so proud of the little girl she's become. That seems so strange to say because she's 2, but really I am.
January 26, 2009
oh those pesky moms
Most of you know I had a c-section when Guthrie was born. I'm pretty vocal about it. I've come to the conclusion it was necessary and unnecessary. Necessary because after a 48 hour induction my uterus resembled a limp rag and my cervix 1/2 the size it needed to be. Unnecessary because no one was in distress. Necessary because protocol of borderline pre-eclampsia dictates you must get the baby out immediately regardless of the symptomatic or asymptomatic mother. Unnecessary because my body wasn't allowed to do what it was made to do.
It was such a, well, we've reached the bottom of our bag of tricks, guess we'll cut ya open now, kind of deal.
The two years since then have included a lot of reading. I am always interested in what the media has to say about the 30% c-section rate of the US. (It should be around 10%-15% according to WHO.)
Did anyone else catch the ABC Nightly News special a few weeks ago? They reported on a huge research report came out stating that c-sections done before 39 weeks are more detrimental to the baby. I know- what a shock! Kind of like when we take the turkey out of the oven a few hours early. Makes Thanksgiving so much more exciting! The report was interesting. I was impressed that it seemed pretty fair and balanced until the end -- when they so slyly stated that all these c-sections are 1. usually 'elective', and 2. requested by the mom.
Really? Really??
I know your asking, dude, why are you so indignant? Everyone knows it's those women who have schedules. They're the ones that have these crazy early c-sections. Women in New York where people have babies because it's cool. Don't get all uptight.
Guess what? Not them. There are maybe a couple thousand of those women. Maybe. So where are all these other elective women-blamed c-sections coming from?
Say down the road I get pregnant again. Say I go into my doctor and she says, well, we'll see how it goes. If you stay low risk you can have a 'trial of labor'.
Oh.
Wait.
First we must assume my doctor has delivery privileges at a hospital that allows vbacs. So, say I get to 35 weeks. The baby still isn't head down or my blood pressure is up or the baby is measuring big or, or, or almost anything. She says, well, if this keeps up I'm not comfortable with you trying for a vbac, let's just schedule a c-section and then we've got it as backup. I say ok because I trust my doctor. I trust that ACOG has these guidelines set for a reason. I just became one of those women; elective and scheduled. See how easy that was? See how I just got blamed for the c-section epidemic in this country? Hence my indignation.
Jennifer Block wrote a great book called Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care. You should check it out. She has a blog too that I subscribe to. She wrote this great article on Reality Check about the treatment of this report. She talks about the vernacular of the c-section. Words like elective, medically indicated, and informed consent. It's worth perusing if you or someone you know is pregnant. Or if you're just concerned that 1/3 of the women who had babies last year needed the help of a scalpel and it's being blamed on the women themselves.
But, bottom line, what's a girl to do? With so much miseducation about vbac's out there, what are we supposed to think when our caregiver says, I think this is the right thing to do?
I once had a woman tell me that she was having a repeat cesarean, it was schedule by her second trimester, because her uterus could rip open during labor. She was terrified. When you hear the statistics of disastrous complications with a vbac you rarely get them next to all the disastrous possibilities that can happen in any childbirth, c-section or vaginal. Trust me, they look a lot different in that light.
Thanks for listening to my soap box. It's not all chopsticks and Hello, poop's here. I hate that women are going through unnecessary pain. The risks of vbac don't outweigh the risk of repeat cesareans. I hope by the time we are back on this road the landscape has changed. I hope we get to have a home birth. I hope it's at least a possibility.
Oh, that woman I was telling you about? Even though they scheduled her c-section for 38 weeks she went into spontaneous labor and 4 hours later she had a beautiful son. Her doctor didn't even have time to get there. Because she'd never gone into labor before she didn't know she was in labor. By the time she got to the hospital she was fully dilated. She was glowing when she described her natural birth. Even though she didn't really want to have one she was still proud of herself and her body. Maybe we should all be given that chance.
It was such a, well, we've reached the bottom of our bag of tricks, guess we'll cut ya open now, kind of deal.
The two years since then have included a lot of reading. I am always interested in what the media has to say about the 30% c-section rate of the US. (It should be around 10%-15% according to WHO.)
Did anyone else catch the ABC Nightly News special a few weeks ago? They reported on a huge research report came out stating that c-sections done before 39 weeks are more detrimental to the baby. I know- what a shock! Kind of like when we take the turkey out of the oven a few hours early. Makes Thanksgiving so much more exciting! The report was interesting. I was impressed that it seemed pretty fair and balanced until the end -- when they so slyly stated that all these c-sections are 1. usually 'elective', and 2. requested by the mom.
Really? Really??
I know your asking, dude, why are you so indignant? Everyone knows it's those women who have schedules. They're the ones that have these crazy early c-sections. Women in New York where people have babies because it's cool. Don't get all uptight.
Guess what? Not them. There are maybe a couple thousand of those women. Maybe. So where are all these other elective women-blamed c-sections coming from?
Say down the road I get pregnant again. Say I go into my doctor and she says, well, we'll see how it goes. If you stay low risk you can have a 'trial of labor'.
Oh.
Wait.
First we must assume my doctor has delivery privileges at a hospital that allows vbacs. So, say I get to 35 weeks. The baby still isn't head down or my blood pressure is up or the baby is measuring big or, or, or almost anything. She says, well, if this keeps up I'm not comfortable with you trying for a vbac, let's just schedule a c-section and then we've got it as backup. I say ok because I trust my doctor. I trust that ACOG has these guidelines set for a reason. I just became one of those women; elective and scheduled. See how easy that was? See how I just got blamed for the c-section epidemic in this country? Hence my indignation.
Jennifer Block wrote a great book called Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care. You should check it out. She has a blog too that I subscribe to. She wrote this great article on Reality Check about the treatment of this report. She talks about the vernacular of the c-section. Words like elective, medically indicated, and informed consent. It's worth perusing if you or someone you know is pregnant. Or if you're just concerned that 1/3 of the women who had babies last year needed the help of a scalpel and it's being blamed on the women themselves.
But, bottom line, what's a girl to do? With so much miseducation about vbac's out there, what are we supposed to think when our caregiver says, I think this is the right thing to do?
I once had a woman tell me that she was having a repeat cesarean, it was schedule by her second trimester, because her uterus could rip open during labor. She was terrified. When you hear the statistics of disastrous complications with a vbac you rarely get them next to all the disastrous possibilities that can happen in any childbirth, c-section or vaginal. Trust me, they look a lot different in that light.
Thanks for listening to my soap box. It's not all chopsticks and Hello, poop's here. I hate that women are going through unnecessary pain. The risks of vbac don't outweigh the risk of repeat cesareans. I hope by the time we are back on this road the landscape has changed. I hope we get to have a home birth. I hope it's at least a possibility.
Oh, that woman I was telling you about? Even though they scheduled her c-section for 38 weeks she went into spontaneous labor and 4 hours later she had a beautiful son. Her doctor didn't even have time to get there. Because she'd never gone into labor before she didn't know she was in labor. By the time she got to the hospital she was fully dilated. She was glowing when she described her natural birth. Even though she didn't really want to have one she was still proud of herself and her body. Maybe we should all be given that chance.
March 12, 2008
mama's famous
I'm in the paper!
I spoke with a reporter from the Gazette last week for this story on the c-section epidemic. And here we are in print! 1 in 3 by C-section. Please email me or leave me a comment if you cannot access it and I'll give you further directions. You might have to create a (free) account to access the story. Also please note that this is a limited time link so look at it as much as you can in the next 30 days! I'll hopefully be able to provide a more permanent link later on.
It's been awhile since I've talked about Guthrie's birth to someone who doesn't know our family and our story already. Aside from it being altogether cathartic, it, of course, brought the experience back up for me. Which was surprisingly less painful than I anticipated. I'm happy to be on the other side of the raw pain my cesarean caused. This not to say that tears don't flow when I think about it and that some anger doesn't burn, but these feelings don't overwhelm me.
I am so thankful to Carly for writing this article and writing about women's experiences so honestly. There's such a gamut of experiences when it comes to c-sections. As there should be- there's a gamut of paths one can take to get to the point of having a c-section. One thing is for certain, all those experiences (and the resulting emotions) are valid. Frequently I read posts saying "at least you have a baby" "at least everyone survived" "you are so self-indulgent for feeling this way - it could be so much worse." And indeed, it could be so much worse, but it was pretty bad as it was.
My hope is that this article will open that discussion a little more to include a lack of judgment no matter the experience, no matter what that experience left in its wake.
It is funny how in my mind my labor and surgery was one long flow of time and then I read this article and in the real world three days passed. I remember light and dark outside my hospital room window, but time was so liquid. And even the weeks after her birth. It is all one giant, somewhat fuzzy memory. I am glad to be out of that. A lot of people are still experiencing it in their own lives.
One thing that the article didn't mention (and I'm ok with that!) was the months of counseling it took to get to this point. This point where we are trying again for another baby and this point where even if I have to have another c-section my experience will not be the same because I am not the same person I was.
I guess the tricky thing is that I would do it all again, in less than a heartbeat if that was required of me. Of course I would. Any mother would. Us sectioned moms are no less grateful, that gratefulness is just more complicated. Because if I'm truly honest, my c-section was the lowest, worst point of my life. And at the same time, at that exact moment, was the birth of my daughter. A beautiful pure spirit full of light and life.
Those are tough things to reconcile.
So, here's to more openness and less judgment and, in the end, so much more transformation and growth.
Thanks for the opportunity Carly!
I spoke with a reporter from the Gazette last week for this story on the c-section epidemic. And here we are in print! 1 in 3 by C-section. Please email me or leave me a comment if you cannot access it and I'll give you further directions. You might have to create a (free) account to access the story. Also please note that this is a limited time link so look at it as much as you can in the next 30 days! I'll hopefully be able to provide a more permanent link later on.
It's been awhile since I've talked about Guthrie's birth to someone who doesn't know our family and our story already. Aside from it being altogether cathartic, it, of course, brought the experience back up for me. Which was surprisingly less painful than I anticipated. I'm happy to be on the other side of the raw pain my cesarean caused. This not to say that tears don't flow when I think about it and that some anger doesn't burn, but these feelings don't overwhelm me.
I am so thankful to Carly for writing this article and writing about women's experiences so honestly. There's such a gamut of experiences when it comes to c-sections. As there should be- there's a gamut of paths one can take to get to the point of having a c-section. One thing is for certain, all those experiences (and the resulting emotions) are valid. Frequently I read posts saying "at least you have a baby" "at least everyone survived" "you are so self-indulgent for feeling this way - it could be so much worse." And indeed, it could be so much worse, but it was pretty bad as it was.
My hope is that this article will open that discussion a little more to include a lack of judgment no matter the experience, no matter what that experience left in its wake.
It is funny how in my mind my labor and surgery was one long flow of time and then I read this article and in the real world three days passed. I remember light and dark outside my hospital room window, but time was so liquid. And even the weeks after her birth. It is all one giant, somewhat fuzzy memory. I am glad to be out of that. A lot of people are still experiencing it in their own lives.
One thing that the article didn't mention (and I'm ok with that!) was the months of counseling it took to get to this point. This point where we are trying again for another baby and this point where even if I have to have another c-section my experience will not be the same because I am not the same person I was.
I guess the tricky thing is that I would do it all again, in less than a heartbeat if that was required of me. Of course I would. Any mother would. Us sectioned moms are no less grateful, that gratefulness is just more complicated. Because if I'm truly honest, my c-section was the lowest, worst point of my life. And at the same time, at that exact moment, was the birth of my daughter. A beautiful pure spirit full of light and life.
Those are tough things to reconcile.
So, here's to more openness and less judgment and, in the end, so much more transformation and growth.
Thanks for the opportunity Carly!
August 25, 2007
closure
this evening we buried my placenta. if that grosses you out feel free to find another post to read. (there's a good one about the state fair a bit further down.)
My birth attendants were there-- John, my mom, Monica, and of course Guthrie who provided appropriate levity to the situation.
Our friends Melanie and Chris graciously offered their prairie for our ceremony.
Both the sun and moon were out and it was not humid one bit.
John dug a very deep hole, we shared our memories about the very long labor and birth and subsequent emotions and struggles and the pure joy that is our baby girl.
It was beautiful and peaceful.
I think Ani DiFranco has lyrics that say something about 'I'm looking forward to looking back' and there was definitely that sense tonight. I feel like I've passed on to the other side of this experience so that I can look back.
It feels really good.
Now that I can look back I can start to look forward again too. They go hand in hand. I can say with confidence that my cesarean section left me scarred and changed, but transformed too. Guthrie was not the only one born on that operating table.
thank you to everyone who not only participated tonight, but who helped me (and us) get to this point. love.
My birth attendants were there-- John, my mom, Monica, and of course Guthrie who provided appropriate levity to the situation.
Our friends Melanie and Chris graciously offered their prairie for our ceremony.
Both the sun and moon were out and it was not humid one bit.
John dug a very deep hole, we shared our memories about the very long labor and birth and subsequent emotions and struggles and the pure joy that is our baby girl.
It was beautiful and peaceful.
I think Ani DiFranco has lyrics that say something about 'I'm looking forward to looking back' and there was definitely that sense tonight. I feel like I've passed on to the other side of this experience so that I can look back.
It feels really good.
Now that I can look back I can start to look forward again too. They go hand in hand. I can say with confidence that my cesarean section left me scarred and changed, but transformed too. Guthrie was not the only one born on that operating table.
thank you to everyone who not only participated tonight, but who helped me (and us) get to this point. love.
and after the ceremony, on the car ride home, we shared red velvet cupcakes. how funny is that? :)
January 1, 2007
3 in 1 by C-Section by Carly Weber, The Gazette, March 12, 2008
Eastern Iowa mothers voice mixed reactions
By Carly Weber
The Gazette
Tiffany Leibold cried when her doctor told her she needed to have a Caesarean section.
"I cried because ... I'd never had surgery and that scared me," said Leibold, 30, of North Liberty. "We kept hoping that we would be able to experience having him come on his own." But, little Brady, now 4 months old, was breech, and a week before Leibold's due date there wasn't enough amniotic fluid to try to manipulate him into the right position.
Breech babies are just one of the reasons doctors routinely perform C-sections. And, Leibold is just one of a growing contingent of women to deliver their baby via C-section.
In 10 years, the proportion of American women having surgical deliveries jumped by 62 percent, from 800,000 women in 1995 to 1.3 million in 2005, according to a report released in February by the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.
That means nearly one in three pregnancies now ends with a C-section.
Dr. Jerry Yankowitz, director of maternal-fetal medicine at the University of Iowa, said the increase can be explained partially by medical advancements that decrease the risk of a surgical delivery. A number of women choose to have C-sections out of convenience or to avoid some of the side effects of a vaginal delivery.
"You put it all together and it gives doctors more permission to do C-sections," said Yankowitz, 49. "Our threshold (for performing C-sections) today would be much much lower than any past decade." If there is any doubt that a labor and delivery will progress without harm to the mother or child, doctors today are much more likely to consider a C-section.
That leaves literally millions of women recovering from C-sections every year. The experience can be isolating and disappointing for some.
"At that stage in your pregnancy you have this idea about how things are going to be," said Tracy Peterson, 29, of Springville. She was surprised to find out her daughter Addison was breech three weeks before her due date.
"When you (deliver vaginally) you feel amazed that your body can do that," said Peterson, who had a natural labor with her son. With a C-section "you kind of feel like it's not in your control. It was really strange." It helped to talk to friends who'd had C-sections, she said.
Women say it also helps to remember that a C-section was in the best interest of both their health and their baby's health.
"We felt that it was an option that would put neither baby at risk," said Jennifer Schulte, 28, of Cedar Rapids, who had a C-section nine months ago to deliver twins who were breech.
Schulte was happy with the experience.
"It wasn't traumatic for me. My kids weren't traumatized by it," she said. "If I never get to experience natural childbirth I'm OK with that." Darah Hulse of Iowa City feels differently.
"The experience totally devastated me. It was so totally against what I wanted," said Hulse, 29, who'd planned a drug-free labor.
She ended up with a C-section after being induced two weeks early because of preeclampsia and laboring unsuccessfully for three days.
"At one point when I was pregnant I had told my mom that a C-section was the one thing I didn't think I would ever able to get over," she said. "I felt like I'd failed. There are still days when I feel like that.
Sixteen months later, though, Hulse has healed to the point that she and her husband are trying to have another baby. But this time she's hoping to avoid another C-section by delivering at home, unless complications make a hospital delivery necessary.
Leibold, too, would like to give labor and delivery a try.
"I'm glad that (C-sections are) an option in today's world. Obviously compared to old ages, if the child was breech and the mother tried to go through labor, complications for child and mother were fatal a lot of the time," she said.
But "if I don't have to do that again, I don't want to do that again."
By Carly Weber
The Gazette
Tiffany Leibold cried when her doctor told her she needed to have a Caesarean section.
"I cried because ... I'd never had surgery and that scared me," said Leibold, 30, of North Liberty. "We kept hoping that we would be able to experience having him come on his own." But, little Brady, now 4 months old, was breech, and a week before Leibold's due date there wasn't enough amniotic fluid to try to manipulate him into the right position.
Breech babies are just one of the reasons doctors routinely perform C-sections. And, Leibold is just one of a growing contingent of women to deliver their baby via C-section.
In 10 years, the proportion of American women having surgical deliveries jumped by 62 percent, from 800,000 women in 1995 to 1.3 million in 2005, according to a report released in February by the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.
That means nearly one in three pregnancies now ends with a C-section.
Dr. Jerry Yankowitz, director of maternal-fetal medicine at the University of Iowa, said the increase can be explained partially by medical advancements that decrease the risk of a surgical delivery. A number of women choose to have C-sections out of convenience or to avoid some of the side effects of a vaginal delivery.
"You put it all together and it gives doctors more permission to do C-sections," said Yankowitz, 49. "Our threshold (for performing C-sections) today would be much much lower than any past decade." If there is any doubt that a labor and delivery will progress without harm to the mother or child, doctors today are much more likely to consider a C-section.
That leaves literally millions of women recovering from C-sections every year. The experience can be isolating and disappointing for some.
"At that stage in your pregnancy you have this idea about how things are going to be," said Tracy Peterson, 29, of Springville. She was surprised to find out her daughter Addison was breech three weeks before her due date.
"When you (deliver vaginally) you feel amazed that your body can do that," said Peterson, who had a natural labor with her son. With a C-section "you kind of feel like it's not in your control. It was really strange." It helped to talk to friends who'd had C-sections, she said.
Women say it also helps to remember that a C-section was in the best interest of both their health and their baby's health.
"We felt that it was an option that would put neither baby at risk," said Jennifer Schulte, 28, of Cedar Rapids, who had a C-section nine months ago to deliver twins who were breech.
Schulte was happy with the experience.
"It wasn't traumatic for me. My kids weren't traumatized by it," she said. "If I never get to experience natural childbirth I'm OK with that." Darah Hulse of Iowa City feels differently.
"The experience totally devastated me. It was so totally against what I wanted," said Hulse, 29, who'd planned a drug-free labor.
She ended up with a C-section after being induced two weeks early because of preeclampsia and laboring unsuccessfully for three days.
"At one point when I was pregnant I had told my mom that a C-section was the one thing I didn't think I would ever able to get over," she said. "I felt like I'd failed. There are still days when I feel like that.
Sixteen months later, though, Hulse has healed to the point that she and her husband are trying to have another baby. But this time she's hoping to avoid another C-section by delivering at home, unless complications make a hospital delivery necessary.
Leibold, too, would like to give labor and delivery a try.
"I'm glad that (C-sections are) an option in today's world. Obviously compared to old ages, if the child was breech and the mother tried to go through labor, complications for child and mother were fatal a lot of the time," she said.
But "if I don't have to do that again, I don't want to do that again."
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