four in the bed

Welcome to the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival hosted by Monkey Butt Junction . Our bloggers have written on so many different aspects of cosleeping. Please read to
the end to find a list of links to the other carnival
participants.

***

So have you seen that ad they ran in the Milwaukee area about co-sleeping? Yeah, pretty disturbing and uh, uneducated? Because parents need to feel more ill at ease with their newborn. Because parents need to feel like at any moment the decision they make is going to kill their child. How about we educate parents on safe, healthy parenting? How about we give them the confidence they need to parent in a way that is best for their whole family, regardless of what their city thinks? (and really, really? the city put out this ad? i bet their constituents are hella thrilled they paid for that.)
When we decided to co-sleep we didn't really do it out of a place of academic or parenting philosophy. We did it because we'd had a fairly traumatic few days as a family during Guthrie's birth and we really needed that closeness. It was an intensely emotional decision.

And then we read some books. I got on the internet and figured out how to do it safely because we'd never done it before. Then it became a philosophical parenting decision. One that we intentionally chose. One that definitely had it's high and low points and frustrations and joys. Five years later we're still happily co-sleeping - and as a family of four.

One thing that's not talked about a lot in co-sleeping is the family transition from one child to two. You made this decision with your first child, but how will you make the same decision with your second especially if you're first is continuing to sleep in the family bed? I found two things made it easier: 1. providing our family with a lot of sleeping options and 2. remembering that it is a transition. Of course flexibility is always the key.

Guthrie got a 'big girl bed' in her room (she always had a room, she just never slept in it) when she turned 2. In theory we were going to going to stop co-sleeping with her because we were hoping to expand our family and had no idea how four in our bed would work. Except we didn't realize that none of us actually wanted to sleep separately. When she did sleep in her bed none of us rested well. So, we made a half-hearted effort to transition on and off. I bet you know how well that worked! But having an additional bed in the house was helpful. Sometimes John would get frustrated at being assed off the bed (either by Guthrie or the cat) and go sleep in her room, sometimes I slept in there when I wasn't feeling well - or a year later when I was super pregnant and could not get comfortable. And it was fine. It didn't mean John and I were less married or whatever. It did mean that we had to remind ourselves the nights may be long but these years are so very short. For the couple rough nights a week we'd have five that would be great.

And then Laithe came along. So, Guthrie was still mostly in our bed and so was a newborn. And so was a mom who was recovering from a c-section. And then there are the two cats - and let's not forget dad! It was a busy bed and there were a few things we did to make it more comfortable and more safe for all of us. We do have an Arm's Reach c0-sleeper that we attached to my side of the bed. Those first few nights Laithe did sleep most of the night in that because I was still on a heavy dose of oxy and when I did sleep it was drug induced. Not safe for baby! When I was down to ibuprofen Laithe slept in our bed, it went John, Guthrie, me, Laithe so as not to put Guthrie and Laithe next to one another. This went on for awhile. It helped Guthrie feel like she hadn't been usurped, it made us still feel close to her. I was not prepared for the dramatic change in Guthrie and my relationship when Laithe was born. I missed her so much! Sleeping in the same bed helped me to feel like I was still close to her. Eventually, Guthrie made more of a transition to her bed because it's tough to sleep with a newborn when you're not the one responsible for his care! And the co-sleeper? We kept it up for quite awhile and used it for the reason I like it - to hold my crap. Water bottle, books, picture books, diapers, wipes, burp cloths, and extra set of clothes or two, baby blanket. It's handy when it's within arm's reach! Ha ha get it?

So, did I ever let the kids sleep together without an adult? Yep I did. Once Laithe was a few months old - probably 3-4 I would put him next to the co-sleeper and give him a good foot of space then one of our firm pillows, then Guthrie. I felt safe with this. Not every parent of every kid would. But here's the deal, I know my kids, I know how they sleep. And I was comfortable with it. He was totally a stomach sleeper too. We know how to break all the rules, I tell ya!

I'll be honest though, that first year with two kids was a tough one, especially after I went back to work. They were both very in need of our attention and a full night of sleep was not to be had. However, the sleep we did get was good. I was not worried about Laithe one bit because he was always with at least one parent. Nor was I worried about Guthrie, wherever she was sleeping, because I knew she'd yell if she needed us. She was old enough to communicate her needs to us and know that we'd respond - which I think means it was an appropriate time for her to be in her own bed, in her own room.

These days? In the kids' room is Guthrie's bed and a crib mattress on the floor for Laithe. Sometimes they request to be put to bed in there together, sometimes they request to be put to bed in our bed. And I'm good with that. My opinion is that they know what they need and location is the only thing in our routine that changes. Laithe has spent a few nights in Guthrie's room - not all night, but a good portion before crawling into our bed. I'm not surprised he's starting this transition much earlier than Guthrie did.

I no longer put a pillow between them though because at 21 months Laithe is really more the threat. Case in point:
I have no idea how long our co-sleeping will last. I'm sure one day it will end and it will be bittersweet. And then we'll stretch out and turn on the tv or leave the light on fully while we read and it'll be less bitter. I will never regret that we've done this with our family though. I think it has helped create an emotional bond we would not otherwise have. Breastfeeding while co-sleeping, well, it goes without saying that it's so much easier - past about 6 months there has been little effort on my part. Although I'm pretty sure you could hook yourself up a nice system for bottle feeding too without much effort. For certain c0-sleeping is not for everyone and I do not believe that you are slighting your child by having them sleep separately from you. For our family though, this works.

Now - time to go get that steak knife out of my bed! Apparently it's dangerous!

****

for good quality research and statistics on co-sleeping i like Dr. Sears - and they have many, many links. for mentoring, and getting ideas when what you're doing isn't working for you i like the forums on mothering.com

*******

Thanks for reading a post in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival. On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the #CosleepCar hashtag.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

***

• Emotive Co-Sleeping Campaign - Miriam at Diary of an Unconscious Mother talks about her feelings on Milwaukee’s anti-cosleeping crusade and its latest advertising campaign.


• Why Cosleeping has Always been the Right Choice for My Family - Patti at Jazzy Mama shares how lucky she feels to have the privilege of sleeping with her four children.


• Cosleeping is a safe, natural and healthy solution parents need to feel good about. - See how Tilly at Silly Blatherings set up a side-car crib configuration to meet her and her families' needs.


• Black and White: Race and the Cosleeping Wars - Moorea at Mama Lady: Adventures in Queer Parenting points out the problem of race, class and health when addressing co-sleeping deaths and calls to action better sleep education and breastfeeding support in underprivileged communities.


• Reflections on Cosleeping - Jenny at I’m a Full Time Mummy shares her thoughts on cosleeping and pictures of her cosleeping beauties.


• Cosleeping and Transitioning to Own Bed - Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine shares her experiences in moving beyond the family bed.


• What Works for One Family - Momma Jorje shares why cosleeping is for her and why she feels it is the natural way to go. She also discusses the actual dangers and explores why it may not be for everyone.


• Really High Beds, Co-Sleeping Safely, and the Humanity Family Sleeper - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama gives a quick view of Jennifer’s bed-sharing journey and highlights the Humanity Family Sleeper, something Jennifer could not imagine bed-sharing without.


• Crying in Our Family Bed - With such a sweet newborn, why has adding Ailia to the family bed made Dionna at Code Name: Mama cry?


• Dear Mama: - Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares a letter from the viewpoint of her youngest son about cosleeping.


• Cuddle up, Buttercup! - Nada of The MiniMOMist and her husband Michael have enjoyed cosleeping with their daughter Naomi almost since birth. Nada shares why the phrase "Cuddle up, Buttercup!" has such special significance to her.


• Co-Sleeping With A Baby, Toddler, and Preschooler - Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how co-sleeping calls us to trust our inner maternal wisdom and embrace the safety and comfort of the family bed.


• Fear instead of Facts: An Opportunity Squandered in Milwaukee - Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction discusses Milwaukee’s missed opportunity to educate on safe cosleeping.


• Cosleeping: A Mini-rant and a Lovely Picture - Siobhan at Res Ipsa Loquitor discusses her conversion to cosleeping and rants a little bit about the Milwaukee Health Department anti-cosleeping campaign.


• Our Cosleeping Story - Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares her cosleeping story and the many bonus side effects of bedsharing.


• Cosleeping can be safe and rewarding Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares how her cosleeping experiences have been good for her family.


• Adding one more to the family bed Lauren at Hobo Mama discusses the safety logistics of bed sharing with a new baby and a preschooler.


• The Truth About Bedsharing - Dr. Sarah at Parenting Myths and Facts discusses the research into bedsharing and risk - and explains why it is so often misrepresented.


• Cosleeping as a parenting survival tool - Melissa V. at Mothers of Change describes how she discovered cosleeping when her first baby was born. Melissa is the editor and a board member for the Canadian birth advocacy group, Mothers of Change.


• Dear Delilah - Joella at Fine and Fair writes about her family bed and the process of finding the cosleeping arrangements that work best for her family.


• CoSleeping ROCKS! - Melissa at White Noise talks about the evolution of cosleeping in her family.


• Safe Sleep is a Choice - Tamara at Pea Wee Baby talks about safe sleep guidelines.


• 3 Babies Later: The Evolution of our Family Bed - Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about how her family’s cosleeping arrangements evolved as her family grew.


• Tender Moments - The Accidental Natural Mama discusses tender cosleeping moments.


• Cosleeping Experiences - Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure describes how she ended up co-sleeping with her daughter through necessity, despite having no knowledge of the risks involved and how to minimise them, and wishes more information were made available to help parents co-sleep safely.


• The early days of bedsharing - Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her early memories of bedsharing with her then new born and gets excited as she plans including their new arrival into their sleeping arrangements.


• The Joys of Cosleeping in Pictures - Charise of I Thought I Knew Mama shares pictures of some of her favorite cosleeping moments.


• Symbiotic Sleep - Mandy at Living Peacefully With Children discusses how the symbiotic cosleeping relationship benefits not only children but also parents.


• Co-sleeping Barriers: What’s Stopping You? - Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she was almost prevented from gaining the benefits of co-sleeping her family currently enjoys.


• Co-Sleeping with the Family Humanity Sleeper - Erica at ChildOrganics shares a way to make co-sleeping safe, comfortable and more convenient. Check out her post featuring the Humanity Organic Family Sleeper.


• Why We Cosleep - That Mama Gretchen’s husband chimes in on why cosleeping is a benefit to their family.


• Adding to the Family Bed - Darah at A Girl Named Gus writes about her co-sleeping journey and what happens when a second child comes along.

A big thank you to all of the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival participants!