December 31, 2014

this, the last of 2014

Oh hello old blog. How are you these days?

Clearly I'm struggling to find time to visit you, which I am sad about.  I'm stealing a moment today though because it's one of my least favorite holidays yet, I feel the need to commemorate. I should point out though, that even if it not my favorite holiday, this week is pretty much my favorite week of the year!

Those 5 sentences took twenty minutes to complete. I'm answering my own "why can't I seem to find time to blog?" question.

Someone needed a sandwich, two sandwiches and can't find the peanut butter, a rolly polly girl is about ready to roll right into the rocking chair, the dog stole part of a sandwich.

My hands are busy these days.

I know that in a few months (years?) it will feel less like I'm putting out fires and less like survival mode and so I'm doing my best to breathe through this season where...

getting kids to rest time and moving the rocking chair. . .

where at the end of the day I have no idea what, if anything, was accomplished beyond five people mostly getting their 4 basic needs met and some kids are getting some schooling in. Which, really, is all I need to be doing, except I do have hobbies that keep me sane. Saner.

rolly is tooting on the floor. . . not a toot. . .

seriously kids, rest time. it's new year's eve!

This year has really been one for the books. I have mixed feelings about it being over, largely just because my kids, they are growing up so very, very fast. The kids love to play 'how old will I be when...' when Juniper is 4, when Laithe is 12, when Guthrie is 30 when, when you are 60 and I get the appeal, but man the answer catches in my throat almost every time. My gasp is tempered with excitement for them though; growing up, it can be just amazing.

So, yes, this year, this year that flew by and contained so much love and laughter and tears and heartache and oh the growing. Contained the ages 0, 4, 8, & 36 and our 12th year of marriage, our 3rd child, the loss of a beloved pet and I know that it really was a good year. A beautiful year.

And yet,
and yet,
for me? As I sit here looking over the past 12 months I have a profound sense of relief that this year is done.

This will, obviously, always be the year that Juniper was born, but it will also always be the year that I was pregnant with her. I feel like I have a choice to make in thinking about this third pregnancy. I can be angry with a side of grief that I was treated like I was by our healthcare practitioners, that my two prior pregnancies and my age etc had led us to where it felt like they were our best option - and maybe they were our best option. That I had to constantly defend and explain my choices and desires. That I was constantly reminded that I was "old." That I was in a position where someone felt it was appropriate to tell me that if my child died it would be my fault.

Or I can be grateful that I am not 20. Twenty and overwhelmed and without the foundation that can only come from age and knowing yourself well. I know there are 20 year olds who are rock solid, but truly it has taken me this long to get where I am. To be confident and sure of myself and my choices. To giggle inappropriately when bullied. To take your shit, but not keep it. To know that it will take me years to get to where I want to be as far as my births go, emotionally and mentally and to know that I have years. That it's a worthwhile journey to heal from these experiences. That being honest that these experiences necessitate healing does not in any way, shape, or form have anything to do with the fact that I feel lucky to have had them. I can be grateful that I had/have a partner that stood by me firmly without question. I can be grateful that I had two older kids who I could be an example for. And the support I had for this pregnancy, it was incredible.

So, there it is. I actively choose that second path, even as I let myself explore the first because I think that's important too. I didn't choose a word for 2014 as so many other people did. I still don't know what it would be. I know I respect myself more in December than I had the occasion to in January, so that's something. Though the route to get there is not one I would have chosen.

About a week after Juniper was born John and I were in the living room and I turned to him and said, 'is it horrible that I'm so relieved all of that is over?' He said no, that he could tell I was relieved, that it was like a 50 lb weight had been lifted off my shoulders. That's kind of how I feel about this year. And I have so enjoyed this year, it's been amazing, but man I am so glad it's over.

Happy New Year Friends! I wish all the very best things for you and yours!


Luci & Loree said...

And we so wish the very best for you and yours too!!!!

Patty G said...

Love you and your little family.


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