May 22, 2009

things I love

- my seedlings!! hooray! I'm hardening them off and they should be ready for this weirdo Iowa spring in a couple weeks. I repotted a bunch of them and they look good.

- my daughter and husband left a message on my voicemail today while I was at work. In it Guthrie asked if I was happy and then she said "I love you!" that was a first for the voicemail. I am definitely saving it for my allotted 21 days.

- the big weekly meeting at work has been changed from 2 - 4 pm to 7 - 9 am on Fridays. So. In theory. I could have Friday afternoons mostly off.

- the recent thunderstorms

- my yard. This is different from the seedlings. Most of my yard was planted by the people who lived here before and it's so lush and beautiful right now. Everything is in bloom - the bleeding heart, the irises, the clematis, the lilacs are just finishing up and if we have a couple more days of sun the peonies should be amazing. It's lovely. And the roses just started! Usually I have to wait for my birthday for that.

- the time that the thunderstorms has prevented me from being outside because that means I'm sewing. I'm in the middle of this pouf pillow thing and then I bought a kit from Little Fish in a Big Pond on Etsy, rather, Guthrie said "mama!!" and made the sign for butterfly when she saw this on the screen and I'm such a sucker. We got the butterfly skirt kit in the mail this afternoon and an hour or so later she's got a new skirt to wear, over her red sweatpants, pink shirt, red rain boots, and blue windbreaker. She looked awesome. And a little ridiculous, but whatever. I've blogged about Little Fish before and how it makes me feel absurdly good to whip up an article of clothing for my daughter. And she includes a spool of thread. I'm horrible about buying thread so it's a win/win.


I know you're laughing - I totally made you a list. And, like most of them, there's a reason.

I'm having a tough time right now. Spring is really difficult for me. Usually it starts much sooner for me than this though. This creeping edge of depression and anxiety shows up and I struggle. I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle to do the dishes without yelling at someone. I struggle not to fixate on the idea that my family will die - which is way worse this year by the way because dude, I now work in freaking hospice. I struggle to not just sit and look out the window and cry.

It's not the most fun I've had and I know it'll pass.

I don't know why it's always spring that throws me. I think the increased busyness after a long winter. Maybe the new life popping up everywhere all green and growing. The expectations that go along with that. It's an existential crisis every dang time I tell you. Every time.

This year it's a little different though because a new layer has been added. A layer named Guthrie - who (this year) is so in tune with our moods and so vocal about it. Which, in turn, makes me so hyperaware of how I'm feeling - like I wasn't aware enough as it was! And, in another turn, brings this layer of guilt about this sadness that I wasn't expecting. I can make enough guilt on my own thank you very much you little two year old who gets worried and kisses my shoulder when you notice I'm sad. Sheesh. I'm not willing to go hide away when I'm feeling this way because we all live in this family and the more we get used to that the better we'll deal with it. I think. I guess I should ask John about that next time I'm yelling at everyone, huh?

I do think that every year I get better at dealing with it. At least every year I get better at taking a step back and reminding myself that no, the world is not ending, and no, you're not dying, it's just spring. I think that's probably something. So, in the meantime, I made a list of what I do love right now. Hoping it helps a little bit.

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